Schwarzenegger charging £800,000 to kill you then deliver a one-liner

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fans are paying almost a million pounds to have him kill them then make a wry comment.

The film star is in the UK to do an interview with Jonathan Ross and carry out some mildly amusing killings.

Businessman Norman Steele hired Schwarzenegger to hack off his left arm with a garden strimmer then say “He wasn’t very handy.”

As he bled to death, Steele said: “That was the high point of my life.

“Even my wife, who was strongly against the idea of my needless premature death, admits that this has been on a par with the bit in Predator where he skewers a guerrilla fighter to a wall then says ‘Stick around’.

“And nothing in human history is better than that.”

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‘Pick up artist’ seducing stupid men

A MAN selling bullshit ‘pick-up’ lessons has worked his magic on hundreds of gullible men.

31-year-old Tom Logan uses his silver tongue to convince horny idiots to hand over wads of cash in exchange for learning his completely made-up BONER method of coercing women into sex.

He said: “BONER stands for Be Ordinary Never Ever Robotic. If you have an acronym everyone thinks you’re a scientist.

“Really my expertise is at GITS – Getting Idiots To Stump Up.”

38-year-old IT consultant Norman Steele said: “When I met Tom I thought he had really nice eyes and could be the one to help me lose my virginity.

“But he just took my money and left me crying in the rain.

“However I still believe there is a secret word that makes attractive women physically fly at you as if they have been catapulted.”