Brian Sewell's guide to I'm A Celebrity… 2014

VENTURING below stairs in search of a water biscuit, I noticed my man was watching an entertainment on the light channel.

Transfixed by its sheer awfulness, I remained until its end and have summarised the main protagonists thusly:

Tinchy Stryder

Possibly one of the smallest chaps I have ever seen, like an urchin Toulouse-Lautrec. I spent much of my time fretting that he would be spirited away into the undergrowth by some shrew or possum.

Carl Fogarty

Famous for riding motorcycles, I’m informed, much like Che Guevara in his formative years.

Vicki Michelle

I really must insist on clearing a glaring historical error in the otherwise exemplary ‘Allo ‘Allo. Having studied the Dutch masters all my life I can categorically state that no painter called van Klomp exists, nor a painting of a fallen Madonna with big boobies. Van Eyck painted The Sleeping Samson With The Massive Bollocks but that is about it.

Jimmy Bullard

His blonde locks put me in mind of the late Margaret Thatcher, whom I once met at Downing Street. I was invited after being told she was having trouble with a Constable and initially thought that maybe one of them had broken his truncheon over a miner’s head and she was looking for contributions to buy a new one. Upon arriving I was presented with the Constable landscape causing concern. “There,” she said, indicating a fellow toiling in a distant field, “That man looks foreign. Can we paint over him?”

Gemma Colins

My help made some disparaging comments regarding this spirited lady, while resting a can of lager beer on his paunch and belching occasionally. First thing tomorrow I shall have a large mirror installed in his quarters to assist in his alarming lack of self-awareness.

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Roles assigned for office Christmas party

THE list of who will be the Drunken Bore, the Perv and Crying in the Toilets at the Christmas party has been put on the office noticeboard.

Random stereotypical roles are assigned so that everyone knows exactly what they have done when they wake up the following day with memory loss.

Account manager Wayne Hayes said: “Last year I had to be Strip Club Bloke, and staying out until 3am exhorting everyone to go Senoritas for a lap dance was hard work.

“This year I’m Insensibly Drunk During Meal which is fantastic because I get to leave by 9pm, once I’ve been sick on my cake.”

Joanna Kramer, from HR, said: “Some people were hogging all the roles –Starting Fights With Strangers, Shocking Emotional Confession, Obviously On Cocaine – and other people had nothing to do but watch.

“This way everyone gets to behave incredibly badly in the grand Christmas tradition without being stuck in a rut.”

Managing director Nathan Muir said: “This year I’m Dancing Obliviously with Cock Out. Well, it was my turn.”