Reagan and Thatcher’s Dangerous Liaisons

Dear Ma’am,

My utmost apologies for my bold, forceful taking of Grenada, but what’s a man to do when the abyss of life in the colonies yawns empty without you?

Tell me, how progresses life with our young protégées? I hear they intend to write a hilarious Christmas song for the poor! Do write back with sordid news of the mother country,

Yours always, Ron


Grenada is of no matter. I would have happened upon an invasion myself if not so immersed in our little amusement. Your notion to ensnare these two has been the highlight of the gay 1980s.

Young Mr Geldof is quite besotted, poor wretch. It wasn’t enough simply to take him; one doesn’t applaud the tenor for clearing his throat. No, I wanted him to give himself to me, all the while knowing he was betraying everything he held most dear. 

At the crucial moment, I whispered to him, “Would you care if Midge could see you now?”

“No, no, madam, let him see!” he replied breathlessly, spilling his Cremola Foam all over the chaise longue.

“Don’t worry,” I told him, my mouth a moue of satisfaction, “Mbumba will get that.”

But enough of my affairs. How is your precious Mr Ure?



My esteemed lady,

Last night as we lay together, the darling Scots pet timorously asked if he may use my back to pen his latest pop ditty. Tremendously impish, until he asked “Do you love me, Mr Reagan?”

Forewarned he had lost his senses to Venus, I replied “Do you know a rhyme for ‘nothing ever grows’?”

“Is the answer ‘rain or rivers flows!’, Mr Reagan?” “Well done, my sweet gamache,” I said, stroking his ponytail, “now what of ‘world of dread and fear’?”

Can’t wait to get our playthings back together. Think how we’ll watch their giddy, simple faces on TV and laugh our wicked laughs. Promise you’ll call me, I want to hear you doing it.

In anticipation,

Ron Ron

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Rescue cat back at cat home under new name

A RESCUE cat has been returned to the animal shelter for his own good, according to the couple who adopted him.

Smudge, a six-year-old grey cat with yellow eyes, was thought to be missing his little pals which is why he bit his new owners, scratched the new leather sofa and used the carpet next to his litter box as a litter box.

Eleanor Shaw of Bolton said: “Smudge seemed a lovely cat at the shelter but once he was at home began to act out his feelings of distress with his claws.

“We did our best to encourage him to go out and meet other cats, often putting him out early in the evening so he’d have more chance to meet some, but his vicious personality seemed to put them off.

“After a month we concluded that what he really wanted was to be with his chums back at the shelter, so we carefully removed his collar and claimed we’d found him lost in the street, using false names as a precaution.

“He’ll be a lot happier now he’s there. Or we will be, anyway.”