More ambulances used for hipster art than conveying sick people

EMERGENCY calls are going unanswered as hipsters pressure the NHS to decommission ambulances for their art projects.

Just four ambulances remain active in East London with the remaining 596 being used as vegan burrito museums, gamelan rehearsal spaces and ironic shrines to Jim Davidson.

56-year-old Bill McKay said: “Last month I fell in the street, smashing my pelvis in three places.

“Luckily an ambulance was passing, but it wasn’t staffed by medical professionals – just some youths with a pop up exhibition of sadomasochistic cartoons from the 50s and 60s.

“There was also an on-board DJ playing rockabilly records. Ironically he was called ‘Doctor Hellfire’ but could do nothing to ease the agony radiating through my torso.

“They were pleasant though and one of them ran to get me some paracetamol, while I lay there screaming and looking at the kinky drawings.”

Ambulance owner Nikki Hollis is a sculptor specialising in bodily fluids: “Most days I’ll get four or five people flagging me down.

“I stop and pretend to help but actually just siphon their blood and urine for use in my forthcoming show ‘Garden of Death’.

“People believe anything you tell them when you’re driving an ambulance.”

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Pope insists foot kissing 'not gay'

THERE is nothing gay about gently washing another man’s feet and then giving them a kiss, the Pope has confirmed.

Pope Francis said the ceremony was inspired by Jesus washing the feet of his disciples, but with a bit more soaping.

He added: “Perhaps if it wasn’t me – or for that matter, Jesus – doing this I could see how some people might think it is faintly homo-erotic.

“Therefore I have chosen to dispel this idea by performing the ceremony in a prison.”

The Pope said that prisons are ‘rough, tough places full of scary men who would beat you up if you implied they were homosexual’.

He continued: “I tell you what, if you’re gay before you go to prison, you’ll be straight by the time you come out. It’s all very masculine.

“In fact, I often wonder why we don’t put homosexuals in prison and sort them out once and for all.

“Then we wouldn’t have to have these horrible arguments about gay marriage and I could spend all day washing and kissing men’s feet without having to explain myself.”