Britain's Olympic spirit preserved in a rat

THE dregs of Britain’s Olympic spirit are to be kept alive in a rat.

As the Olympic stadium was leased to corporate football and Danny Boyle admitted everything was shit again, government scientists began a frantic mission to preserve the dregs of 2012’s fleeting optimism.

Dr Roy Hobbs said: “We scoured the deserted, decrepit stadium using special machines that are like metal detectors but for hope.

“Eventually we found traces of positivity around the rim of an old towel, probably from the sweat of an athlete who is now flogging sandwiches.”

The microbes of Olympic spirit were then injected into the soft underbelly of a brown laboratory rat called SH1121.

Dr Hobbs said: “The optimism will last longer in a living organism.

“Also there are plans to tour the rat around schools to inspire youngsters to fulfil their dreams.

“Which means probably we should have put it in a labrador or some other creature that doesn’t have sharp claws and poisonous urine. But rats are just so handy.”

 

 

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Who put that flabby twat George Osborne in charge of the UK's finances?

Dear Holly,

Who put that flabby twat George Osborne in charge of the UK’s finances? It’s stay-at-home wine-lover mums like me who are set to get it in the neck. Yet no doubt his own mother was necking the Pinot by 9.30am just to cope with having such an odious wanker of a child.

Heather 

Melton Mowbray 

Dear Heather,

Cash flow is a problem for us all just now. My mummy and daddy recently stopped my pocket money because I told Brown Owl that my daddy wanted her to be his girlfriend.

I also told her that my daddy wanted her to come over to the house in a pretty dress for a romantic meal.

Poor old Brown Owl must have been pretty excited to finally have some adult male company, it was just a shame that my mummy was in the house at the time.

I think it was a shock to everyone when Brown Owl tried to get off with my father as he was answering the door but we can all laugh about it now; except Brown Owl, of course.

Hope that helps

Holly