Dried-out husk of Girls Aloud splits

THE concept of Girls Aloud has been brought to a close after being drained completely of its valuable fluids.

Fans in Liverpool watched in silence as five women squeezed the last drops from their dried-up ball of third-rate singing and dancing.

The shabby, wrinkled ball crumbled into a million tiny grey pieces that were carried away by a gentle breeze.

The five women then gave each other the finger before riding a footballer into the sunset.

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Fans of horror books with dirty bits mourn James Herbert

JAMES Herbert, widely considered to be the leading writer of horror books with added smut, has passed away aged 69.

Herbert fan Tom Logan said: “I was 13 when I read The Rats and I still remember the saucy stuff was on pages 67-69 and 88-91, with a couple of good paragraphs around page 113.

“The rat bits were good too. You can’t really go wrong with mutant animals.”

He added: “Looking back, I can’t believe my mum let me read it. As a parent she foolishly assumed all books were vaguely educational.”

Herbert’s later works, mostly about ghosts, were controversially not very dirty.