THE UK’s top aspiration is to drink 14 pints without going to the toilet.
George Osborne has pledged to help Britain fulfill its aspirations, under the mistaken impression that these involve sitting at a desk.
The Institute for Studies found that 94% of UK ‘life goals’ involved alcohol, oral sex or driving a sports car really fast around a pedestrianised area.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most of our ambitions seem to be inspired by pornography or Freeview television programmes where large American men cause explosions.”
Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “My aspirations actually do involve work, in that I hope one day to drive a bulldozer through the office while my colleagues run screaming like the pathetic termites that they are.
“In the medium-term, I am keen to have a four-way with some expensive prostitutes.
“I am grateful but slightly puzzled that the government wants to assist me in these matters.”
Professor Brubaker added: “We are a nation of hedonists. When we talk about ‘getting on’ it’s in the context of mounting a member of the opposite sex.”