Britain's aspirations mostly drink-based

THE UK’s top aspiration is to drink 14 pints without going to the toilet.

George Osborne has pledged to help Britain fulfill its aspirations, under the mistaken impression that these involve sitting at a desk.

The Institute for Studies found that 94% of UK ‘life goals’ involved alcohol, oral sex or driving a sports car really fast around a pedestrianised area.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most of our ambitions seem to be inspired by pornography or Freeview television programmes where large American men cause explosions.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “My aspirations actually do involve work, in that I hope one day to drive a bulldozer through the office while my colleagues run screaming like the pathetic termites that they are.

“In the medium-term, I am keen to have a four-way with some expensive prostitutes.

“I am grateful but slightly puzzled that the government wants to assist me in these matters.”

Professor Brubaker added: “We are a nation of hedonists. When we talk about ‘getting on’ it’s in the context of mounting a member of the opposite sex.”

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This housing boom will be perfect, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne has reassured Britain that the new housing boom he is trying to create will never, ever end.

The chancellor insisted that all the previous housing booms were fatally flawed, but that after a series of late nights, hunched over his desk, he had now perfected the system.

He told MPs: “The key difference this time is that I am making it much easier for people with no money to get a mortgage.

“So then, right, they will have a house and the value of that house will just keep going up and up and so every few years they will borrow a bit more money against the value of their house and then spend it in the shops.

“The value of the houses will always go up because most of them will be those lovely new red brick ones that will be built next to dual carriageways on the outskirts of provincial towns.”

As Conservative MPs cheered, he added: “I know. And it’s actually a bit weird that no-one has thought of it until now.”

Experts said the plan was ‘worthwhile’, particularly as shadow chancellor Ed Balls had confirmed that he would still – somehow – be worse at this than George Osborne.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, backed the idea, adding: “We may as well.

“We just have to accept that, unless there is an insatiable worldwide demand for fancy hoovers, the British economy will simply be a never-ending series of housing bubbles.

“Eventually we will become acclimatised and could even plan ahead. If we weren’t British.”