Kate still explaining 'baby on board' badge to Queen and Prince Philip

THE Duchess of Cambridge is still trying to explain to her grandparents-in-law why London Underground gave her a badge that says ‘baby on board’.

According to a senior Royal source, the confused Queen told Kate: “The baby is growing in your womb dear, it is not ‘on board’ you. This badge would seem to suggest that you are some sort of wheeled vehicle. Or perhaps even a boat.

“I have visited many different countries – I am 86 – and I am absolutely certain that you are not a boat.”

The Duchess explained the badge was a play on the popular ‘baby on board’ car stickers and the Queen nodded and then said: “But we were at a train station dear.”

The Queen added: “I shall write to the prime minister and gently point out the mistake.”

Meanwhile, Prince Philip, who had been listening with an increasing sense of anger, said: “The baby’s on a board? What board? I see no board. What the hell are you talking about girl?”

He continued: “Are these bastards saying you’re a train? Is that what this is about? Are these dirty, Irish bastards saying you’re some sort of filthy, working class train, full of Bulgarians?

“Fetch me a Punto.”

The Duchess then mumbled ‘fuck this’, prompting the Queen to say: “I’m sorry dear, I didn’t quite catch that.” Kate replied loudly: “I was saying fuck this badge, it’s shit.”

The source added: “We’re going to try again this afternoon.”

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Osborne buys you for 1p

GEORGE Osborne has successfully bought the electorate for a single pence.

His Budget sliced the shiny penny from a lovely pint of beer, in a thinly-veiled act of political condescension that has totally worked.

Father-of-two Tom Booker said: “I think beer is really great, and I am also keen on coins, which after all can be exchanged for beer.

“I’m not really interested in anything else, so this is a great day.”