Now don't go using any of these freedoms we're giving you, says government

THE government has told Britons they are now free to hug, mix indoors and drink inside pubs, and warned them not to. 

From today the UK can meet other households indoors, visit museums and art galleries, and go to the theatre, all of which the government has expressly said will spread Covid and cause another lockdown which will all be our fault. 

A spokesman said: “You f**ked this up last time and look what happened. Don’t make us regret giving you this second chance. 

“Last year you were straight back to the restaurants and the office and suddenly Covid was everywhere again. Then after that mini-lockdown you all met each other for Christmas, and what was the result? Exactly. 

“So by now you should have learned not to do the things we are explicitly allowing you to do. And if you haven’t? That’s not on us.

“The prime minister has officially pre-absolved himself of any responsibility for the consequences of your selfish actions. Caveat emptor, mate.” 

Joanna Kramer said: “I should imagine it’ll be my fault when the economy crashes and I lose my house as well. Why can’t I ever get it right?” 

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How to decode a leaving email

EVER wondered what the real story behind that leaving email is? Here’s how to decode the boss’s bullshit platitudes:

Martin has decided to pursue other opportunities

Martin got fired.

Martin’s last day is today

There was an almighty row and Martin called me a tosser, so his notice has mysteriously morphed into an immediate departure. Technically he’s on gardening leave. Try to ignore that for being an arsehole, he’s earning the same as you working your arse off for two months.

I’d like to thank Martin for all his contributions to the team

Martin rolled his eyes daily on Zoom for nearly a year, insisted we ordered him a special ergonomic chair, and once brought back some strange sweets after that conference in Amsterdam. Does any of that count?

Martin will be spending more time with his family

I have no idea how Martin is still married. Especially after that conference in Amsterdam.

We wish Martin the best of luck for the future

The reference I am writing Martin will ensure that even the most indiscrimate shit-shovelling subcontractor will think twice about taking him on.

We will advise you shortly who will take on Martin’s work

You are taking on Martin’s work.