GOING to the cinema? Contain your excitement by remembering these insufferable bellends will also be there:
Talking loudly bellend
The staple of every cinema, this thundering bastard will be sat somewhere near the back to benefit from the acoustics. Their opinions will drown out whatever’s happening on screen, even if it’s a sequence of deafening explosions in THX surround sound. Expect them to be with a surprisingly hard mate when you turn around to tell them to shut the f**k up.
Arriving late bellend
There’s always that one bellend who turns up 20 minutes into the film, squeezes past you to get a seat, stepping on your foot and spilling their cherry slushie over you as they do it. If you had your own miserable way the doors would be bolted shut the second the trailers begin. They count.
On their phone bellend
This bellend is easy to spot because they’re essentially waving around a blinding torch in a darkened room. They’re not recording the film or photographing a jaw-dropping moment, instead they’ve decided that a screening of Tenet is the perfect opportunity to scroll Twitter and roadtest ringtones.
Going to the loo bellend
Once is acceptable. Twice is pushing it. This bellend leaps out of their seat every ten minutes to stomp for a piss. And don’t worry, they’ll ask their mate what they’ve missed on their return and even though they’re both whispering you’ll pick up every single word.
Couple making out bellends
Sexual contact is always going to be more tempting than whatever Hollywood crap’s rattling through the projector, but for all they’re seeing of the film, these bellends may as well be in the foyer. Their smacking lips are also an annoying reminder that Godzilla vs. Kong would be way better if the titular duo had channelled their animosity into city-wrecking lizard-ape sex.