YOU’VE smoked a couple of joints and now you’re starving. Here’s how to dine like a king when you’re buzzed off your tits:
A bacon sandwich
The ultimate late night remedy to your massive attack of the munchies. Problem is, it involves several dangerous procedures, like using the hob and handling raw meat. It’s better to just empty a pack of Frazzles between two slices of bread: you’ll be too stoned to notice the difference anyway.
A plastic tub of salty loveliness that will fill you up for at least half an hour. Pour on boiling water before realising that waiting four whole minutes for it to be ready is far too long. Instead, wolf it down while still crunchy, simultaneously burning your mouth and giving yourself chronic indigestion.
Cheese is the food of the gods when you’re stone cold sober, so when you’ve got the munchies it’s even better. Dispense with biscuits, plates and even knives and simply bite big chunks off the block, before putting it back in the fridge and forgetting about it until your partner discovers it the next day and goes apeshit.
Despite the fact that they are made of dust and air, Monster Munch are amazing when you’re stoned. Rip open a bag of Roast Beef or Pickled Onion before realising there are only seven of the f**king things in the bag, then devour the rest of the multipack you thought would last a week.
Order a pizza
You’re far too off your tits to make any food yourself, so why not ring Domino’s? Unfortunately, by the time they arrive you’re so paranoid that you think they’ll be able to tell you’ve been smoking weed and might call the police. Refuse to answer the door and insist they fold up your pizza and post it through the letterbox instead.