The stoner's guide to fine dining

YOU’VE smoked a couple of joints and now you’re starving. Here’s how to dine like a king when you’re buzzed off your tits:

A bacon sandwich

The ultimate late night remedy to your massive attack of the munchies. Problem is, it involves several dangerous procedures, like using the hob and handling raw meat. It’s better to just empty a pack of Frazzles between two slices of bread: you’ll be too stoned to notice the difference anyway.

Pot noodles

A plastic tub of salty loveliness that will fill you up for at least half an hour. Pour on boiling water before realising that waiting four whole minutes for it to be ready is far too long. Instead, wolf it down while still crunchy, simultaneously burning your mouth and giving yourself chronic indigestion.


Cheese is the food of the gods when you’re stone cold sober, so when you’ve got the munchies it’s even better. Dispense with biscuits, plates and even knives and simply bite big chunks off the block, before putting it back in the fridge and forgetting about it until your partner discovers it the next day and goes apeshit.

Monster Munch

Despite the fact that they are made of dust and air, Monster Munch are amazing when you’re stoned. Rip open a bag of Roast Beef or Pickled Onion before realising there are only seven of the f**king things in the bag, then devour the rest of the multipack you thought would last a week.

Order a pizza

You’re far too off your tits to make any food yourself, so why not ring Domino’s? Unfortunately, by the time they arrive you’re so paranoid that you think they’ll be able to tell you’ve been smoking weed and might call the police. Refuse to answer the door and insist they fold up your pizza and post it through the letterbox instead.

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Sorry you've had an ugly baby: five greeting cards society sorely needs

STRUGGLING to find the right words on awkward occasions? These are the cards we desperately need to help us express ourselves:

Sorry you’ve had an ugly baby

Even if the child in question is undeniably arse-faced or looks like Star Wars co-pilot Nien Nunb, you can’t come out and say it to the parents’ faces. With the help of a twee card you can address the elephant in the room in a tasteful way. Don’t expect to be asked to be a godparent.

Congratulations on the shit bedsit

Homeowners shouldn’t be the only people congratulated on getting a new place. With young people unable to buy for the foreseeable future, there’s a gap in the market for cards that celebrate renting overpriced bedsits with mould up the walls. With messages like ‘Good luck sleeping in the same room as a fridge!’

Thinking of how much I hate you

We all have people in our lives who we loathe with every fibre of our being but have to pretend to like. By exchanging hateful cards we could set the record straight and clear the air. It’s no more of a bullshit idea than Valentine’s Day, after all.

Hooray! Your ex was a f**king nightmare

When a friend finally dumps someone who was an absolute bellend, it’s nice to be able to celebrate by sending them a card that expresses just how much you disliked them. Maybe give it a few days though, in case they’re still feeling raw about it all or take the f**ker back.

Good luck at your family gathering

There are cards wishing people luck before jobs and surgery, so why not another common ordeal that’s equally as harrowing? Anyone about to go to a barbecue with their in-laws or a camping weekend with their nephews would be grateful for your best wishes.