Nurses recall their hard-partying pandemic days

THE UK’s teachers and nurses are looking back at the early days of the pandemic lockdown when life for them was just one long party.

The public sector workers admitted Tory claims that they had a quiet drink after work, just like Boris Johnson did with his wife, interior designer and 40 colleagues, were totally accurate except ‘it wasn’t always so quiet’.

Ward sister Jo Kramer said: “Hospitals at that time, with the world locked down and death rates soaring, were party central.

“By the end of March, we’d put a sound system in the nurses’ lounge. By April we had a professional lighting rig, and by May we employed a full-time DJ.

“The finish of every shift was a no-holds-barred bacchanalia with booze, recreational substances and casual sex. What can I say? It’s just what you’re in the mood for after a 14-hour shift nursing the dying who can only say goodbye to their families on Zoom.”

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “They’re right about teachers as well. Despite our workplaces being alcohol-free by law and schools being closed during lockdown, we’d all gather there and get pissed.

“I still remember staggering around the playground, absolutely hammered, slurring to my colleague ‘I hope Boris and his team in Downing Street are partying this hard. They f**king deserve it’.”

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'Any chance of keeping the war going a few more months?' Johnson asks Putin

BORIS Johnson is trying to persuade Vladimir Putin to keep the invasion of Ukraine ticking over for the rest of spring and perhaps summer.

The prime minister made a surprise visit to Moscow, hoping his cordial relations with Russian donors will convince Putin to ‘help him out of a bit of a scrape’.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “There’s a very real danger Putin will end the war in May after capturing Luhansk and Donetsk. Then there’ll be no distraction from ‘partygate’. It’s the doomsday scenario we all prayed would never happen.

“The prime minister is hoping that out of gratitude for London basically being Russian real estate under the Tories, Putin might drag out the conflict while the penalty notices keep coming in. 

“He’s suggested a ‘mini-invasion’ of Estonia to keep the pot boiling. We’d send some troops to help, obviously. Britain could end up fighting our own soldiers, but the main thing for now is these sodding fines.” 

Johnson also asked Putin if he could possibly look a bit scared if he made another unannounced trip to Ukraine, cowering at his Churchillian resolve and so forth, prompting Putin to say he “would think about it”.

The spokesman added: “Boris would consider it a bally big favour and when all this has blown over he’ll invite Mr Putin to Chequers for tuck and champers and whatever else takes his fancy. I’m sure Carrie’s got some single mates.”