One in five hospitals not actually hospitals

MORE than 20% of buildings that claim to be hospitals are nothing of the kind, it has emerged.

A study found that one in five hospitals did not take patient care seriously, mainly because they are factories, discount furniture warehouses and municipal swimming pools.

Jeremy Hunt, the secretary of state for health, said: “We genuinely wanted to build lots of lovely new hospitals but there was no money because of socialism.

“Anyway, we realised we could increase the number of hospitals significantly by simply using the word ‘hospital’.”

Mr Hunt added: “I assumed that human nature would mean that when an ambulance turned up with a sick person on board, the people who worked in these buildings would try to help.

“Turns out they were already pretty busy and so lots of patients weren’t treated in any way at all.

“That said, quite a few of them would have been able to buy a sofa, or have a swim, or get a job making sausage skins.

“And you want to take that away from them. What’s wrong with you?”


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Dad decides not to leave children his Ikea furniture and DVDs

FATHER-OF-TWO Tom Booker has decided his children will not inherit his personal fortune of two Billy bookcases, some DVDs and a broken cross-trainer.

Divorced Booker was inspired by pop icon Sting, who said his children will have to make their way in the world without inherited wealth.

He said: “Without wishing to sound like a sanctimonious twat, I don’t want my kids becoming idle, entitled wastrels because they’ve gotten a free vanload of pretty good stuff.

“After a lifetime of living in rented accommodation while working as a security guard, I’ve got no money but have accrued some rather awesome DVDs including the Godfather box set, lots of Rutger Hauer titles and the little-seen horror film Ghost Ship which has got her out of The Good Wife in it.

“I want my children to learn the value of money and not see second-hand entertainment media as something that just lands in their laps.”

Booker’s daughter Emma Bradford said: “I respect dad’s decision, mainly as will save us hiring a skip.”