Plan to get ripped with Joe Wicks abandoned after three days

A WOMAN’S plan to get fit with Joe Wicks has been abandoned after a mere three days and must never be spoken of again. 

Donna Sheridan has quietly dropped her daily TV-based workout with the chirpy PE instructor after discovering it was extremely painful for her unfit body.

Sheridan said: “At first it looked fun. Joe Wicks seems like a nice guy, so why would he want to hurt me this badly?

“One of the exercises was to jump up then go down on your knee. I’m pretty sure that would have my kneecap out of its socket. It’s like something out of a Saw film.

“There’s another called Kangaroo Jumps where you have to put your hands up like a kangaroo and jump from side to side. It’s ridiculous and painful. Maybe the guy is unhinged. 

“The sad thing is he’s so nice and peppy I want to keep watching, but I’ll be doing it from my sofa, eating my third packet of quarantine digestives for the day. 

“I don’t want to be a strain on the NHS if I did hurt myself. If that’s at the cost of my rock hard abs, so be it.”

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Britain to mark Friday by getting extra-hammered

THE UK is making sure it distinguishes the weekend from the rest of the week by getting really, really shitfaced. 

Britons have been reading advice from people who live in isolated circumstances about how to make the weekend different, and believe the only option is to get soiling-themselves pissed. 

Nathan Muir said: “Lighthouse operators, Antarctic researchers, submarine crews – they all say marking weekends is crucial to keeping sane. So I’ve got three litres of gin in. 

“No, they didn’t specifically mention getting absolutely wrecked, but I’m working with limited resources here. What else am I meant to do? Wear a hat? 

“I’ve got no choice but to go hard because I’ve already been drinking every night of the week, and not drinking isn’t an option. Not drinking isn’t an option in any way. 

“I’m basically doing it on medical recommendation. Starting from 5pm and carrying on through until 2am. It’s an act of radical self-care.” 

Professor Chris Whitty, chief medical officer of the UK, said: “This is extremely sensible. Just stay in. I’ve got a slab of Stella, and that’s just to get warmed up for the vodka shots.”