Pregnant women only doing it for the ‘hippy crack’

WOMEN are getting pregnant just so they can get high on ‘hippy crack’ from the NHS, it has emerged.

The mind-altering substance is being pushed on women in their third trimester by nurses, often foreign, and the women then find themselves so hooked they go back for second or even third children.

Joanna Kramer, from Wrexham, said: “I didn’t even know what was going on when the nurse lifted the tube to my mouth, urging me to inhale as deeply as possible.

“It wasn’t long before the effects hit me. I was out of my fucking nut but, even though I was in a serious medical condition, nobody stopped me having more.

“I’m pregnant again and this time I’m going to drag the labour out for as long as possible so I can do 48 hours on that sweet hippy crack.”

Senior midwife Jane Thomson, said: “I’ve also got this crazy shit that I inject directly into their spine. It’s totally mental and they bloody love it.”

Kramer added: “I can’t remember, but I think we called the baby ‘Chas’.”

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Greece changes subject to new series of True Detective

GREEK debt talks have broken down after the country kept changing the subject to the new series of True Detective.

Representatives from the IMF, the EU and the European Central Bank admitted being frustrated by Alexis Tsipras’s attempts to discuss whether Colin Farrell could adequately replace Matthew McConaughey’s screen magnetism, among other topics.

ECB chief Mario Draghi said: “When I’m owed 27 billion euros I urgently need back, I’m not really interested in whether True Detective is ‘overwrought’.

“And I would prefer to discuss repayment arrangements and austerity measures rather than being dragged into an argument about whether Ant-Man can continue Marvel’s streak of box office success.

“Which it completely can, because Paul Rudd is a very engaging performer who can combine comedy and action as well as Robert Downey Jnr. Oh shit, now I really want to get into this.”

Tsipras said: “It’s been nothing but debt and austerity, over and over again for months. Change the bloody record for five minutes.

“Let’s talk about the new Aero McFlurry or Top Gear or Cara Delevingne instead of bailout debts the whole time.

“I mean everyone knows we’re not going to pay it.”