Monday, 19th April 2021

Ramming swabs up our noses twice a week wasn't on the f**king roadmap, says Britain

A CONFUSED public is pretty sure sticking a six-inch swab up their nose twice a week was not originally included in Boris Johnson’s roadmap. 

The announcement that everyone in England can take two weekly coronavirus tests from Friday has bemused Britons who recalled no previous mention of this Easter treat.

Stephen Malley of Gloucester said: “I’ve got the roadmap. It’s all ‘pubs reopen’ and ‘you can get a haircut’, with nothing about forcing an extra-long cotton bud into the soft parts of your brain.

“Also, I thought we could already have tests? And aren’t these ones inaccurate? And do we really want to rely on dickheads who can’t even wear facemasks suddenly becoming diagnosticians?”

28-year-old Donna Sheridan said: “I know Boris’s brand is to leave everything until the last minute, but a heads-up might have taken the edge off this soon-to-be-mandatory invasive medical procedure.

“I’m going to have nostrils like Gove in his gak years by the time I get vaccinated. And this is your idea of good news?”

A government spokesman said: “The roadmap has changed, as maps often spontaneously do. Anyway, the point is get back to work, you lazy twats.”