Really wanting a kebab not an emergency, Britain told

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.

Not a life support machine

The NHS issued the statement following a weekend of overwhelming calls requesting ambulance services, many of which proved to be from drunk people wanting food delivered.

An NHS spokesman said: “The 999 service exists to help those in urgent need of medical help and does not offer doners, chips or ‘extra fucking hot chili sauce’.

“Also our call centre operatives are not all called ‘Kostos’, nor are they prepared to wait on the line while you ‘just see what everyone else wants’.”

Health secretary Andrew Lansley now plans to change the emergency services’ number to 651042901178054 in a bid to stop drunkards getting through.

He said: “Although this is not a cost-cutting measure, it may also prevent less tenacious sober people getting in touch, which is no terrible thing given that ambulance services will soon be cut to a single Green Goddess and a police community support officer with a box of plasters riding a child’s tricycle.

“However I don’t want to completely rule out selling the ambulance service to a fast food corporation, for example Domino’s Pizza.

“If there was a heart attack in the same household where someone also really wanted a stuffed-crust Meat Feast it would be a win-win situation.

“Alternately I suppose you could wait until they’d eaten the Meat Feast, there’s a fair chance of some palpitations.”