Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Men often say that the hardest thing about having an affair is having to keep up the constant deceit but it’s actually the bit where you try and find another human being prepared to have sex with you.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A surprise visit at 3am this week from a television producer who gives you ideas of new ways you can wait tables. Just to see how you fucking well like it.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re struggling to decide where to go on holiday this year, why not eat a semi-defrosted fish finger so you vomit for a fortnight, press your face into a griddle pan and stay at home?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re well-known in you family for your gag gifts, and grandma’s this year is a cracker. It’s made of leather and has studs and everything.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Yes, I’m getting hints of burnt paper, vinegary overtones and a suggestion of tin. I do love eating sandwiches I’ve found in the bin.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
First of all you spoil the silence of the quiet train carriage by gitting into your mobile phone about tit-all and now by screaming at me to stop hitting you. Can’t you just shut up?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After noticing that aliens seem to spend most of their time mucking around with crops, doing unspeakable things to cattle and forcibly probing men’s bottoms, you’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that we’re being visited by inter-galactic Welshmen.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Relax. Things cannot be as bad as you think they are. Now, just calmly tell me what the problem is. Right. Okay. Uh-huh. Nope, I was wrong, you’re screwed.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Selling Avon products has opened up whole new avenues for you recently. Now you can just knock on somebody’s front door and bore them unannounced.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your favourite sitcom is Two And A Half Men, your favourite Beatle is Ringo and your favourite wine gums are the green ones. No, seriously though, what the hell is wrong with you?
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You’ve been using the mental image of Margaret Thatcher having her first dump of the day as an ejaculation retardant for so long that you’re now unable to maintain an erection without it.