KOFI Annan has floored Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad with a single blow.
The UN envoy became increasingly agitated during yesterday’s meeting with the Syrian leader, grimacing and tugging his sleeves as the dictator repeatedly denied responsibility for his army’s actions, blaming civilian deaths on terrorists, faulty bombs or possibly mass spontaneous combustion.
After listening to nearly two hours of the Syrian leader’s flimsy self-justification, Annan muttered darkly and stood, removing his jacket and calmly handing it to an aide. He then punched Assad square in the face, sending him over the back of a chair.
Annan said: “Diplomacy, not violence, is the answer and I deeply regret my actions. However I must admit it felt good. Really good.
“That guy’s such a prick.”
A UN spokesman said: “Despite Kofi’s calm, almost Zen-like exterior, he’s pretty tasty with his fists when he gets riled up.
“And while this hasn’t exactly helped the situation, Assad is an absolute top flight bell-end.
“Even putting aside the all the brutal oppression and other more worthwhile reasons to detest him, he looks disconcertingly like a 70s catalogue model but with a tiny face that could fit on a 10p.
“Plus he writes his wife emotionally-incontinent emails in the style of a teenage bedwetter while listening to Right Said Fred and poppy middle-of-the road country music.
“Incidentally, just having an iTunes account doesn’t make you human and ‘relatable’. You can have a credit card and still be an oozing black miasma of wickedness.”