Scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes

OLIVES are just normal grapes that have become evil, researchers have found.

Food scientists discovered that olives started off as everyday red or white grapes that were then possessed by a Babylonian demon named ‘Pazuzu’ that wants mankind to suffer.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Olives are basically the evil twin of the grape. They are grapes that have no moral fibre and are therefore easy prey for Pazuzu. The demon then makes them salty, bitter and a bit rubbery – and he does it for fun.

“Deep inside, they are still grapes but they can’t remember what it feels like. We tried performing an exorcism on an olive but it just sat there mocking us with all kinds of disgusting profanities.”

Green olive, Martin Bishop, said: “Soon we shall be in your smoothies and juices. One day we will make everything taste a bit manky.”