Scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes

OLIVES are just normal grapes that have become evil, researchers have found.

Food scientists discovered that olives started off as everyday red or white grapes that were then possessed by a Babylonian demon named ‘Pazuzu’ that wants mankind to suffer.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Olives are basically the evil twin of the grape. They are grapes that have no moral fibre and are therefore easy prey for Pazuzu. The demon then makes them salty, bitter and a bit rubbery – and he does it for fun.

“Deep inside, they are still grapes but they can’t remember what it feels like. We tried performing an exorcism on an olive but it just sat there mocking us with all kinds of disgusting profanities.”

Green olive, Martin Bishop, said: “Soon we shall be in your smoothies and juices. One day we will make everything taste a bit manky.”

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Men 'not really equipped to do sport'

QUESTIONS have been raised as to whether men’s sport should be given equal coverage to women’s sport.

Yesterday saw England’s cricketers win the women’s world cup in a thrilling finale before England’s footballers beat Spain 2-0 at the women’s European Championships, something the men’s team will never achieve without drugs.

Sport watcher Wayne Hayes said: “It’s time we admitted that men aren’t really equipped to do sport. They lack the determination, the passion, and most of all, the killer instinct that sets our sportswomen apart from the ordinary bloke on the street.

“Giving men’s sport equal coverage is a good idea in theory, but I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys watching it.”

Football fan Tom Logan added: “Watching the Lionesses, I felt enjoyment, mixed with excitement and pride. As an England supporter I’ve never experienced any of those emotions before.”

Meanwhile, a British man did achieve some sporting success at the weekend but no-one cared because all he did was ride around France on his bicycle