Secret to happiness is judging people in supermarket queues

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that being horribly critical about strangers who are buying a box of Crispy Pancakes and two litres of Tizer is healthier than meditation, exercise or a Mediterranean diet.

Shopper Francesca Johnson said: “If they have no vegetables apart from a bag of frozen peas then I assume they didn’t go to university, whilst if they’re buying crinkle cut chips they probably didn’t finish school at all.

“Women buying a single bottle of wine are going to go home and cry into it alone, and anyone buying a plug-in air freshener reads the Daily Mail and votes for UKIP.

“In my basket I’ve got a kale, lentils, a bottle of truffle oil and a box of lapsang souchong. All of these things are obviously disgusting but I want people to think I’m intelligent.”

Looking at Johnson’s shopping, next-in-the-queue Donna Sheridan, muttered: “What a fucking arsehole.”

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Woman concerned after noticing 'real ale forums' in husband's search history

A WOMAN has expressed deep concern after noticing a long list of real ale forums in her husbands internet search history.

Mary Fisher told friends she had initially looked at her husband, Nathan’s search history by mistake, which was a lie but she is sticking to it.

Fisher said: “He’s been staying up late after I’ve gone to bed so I assumed he was getting into hardcore Albanian skat porn.

“But when I looked at his search history – again, totally by accident and you can’t prove otherwise – it was so much worse.

“Why would these men – and lets be fair, it’s all men – sit around talking to each other late at night about how best to brew their own ales and chatting about how shit CAMRA are.”

She added: “They were sharing a video called 2 Hops, 1 Cask which was so boring it made me puke.”