Six people it's safe to talk to while wearing your mask around your chin

SICK of wearing your face mask on your actual face? Does it feel more natural on your chin? These six people couldn’t care less if your spittle is flying at them: 


Though kids aren’t back to school until September, we should test their collective immunity however we can. Give them a good face-to-face and prove how wrong all those teachers following government advice really are.


Dogs, cats and even birds do not care where you choose to place your mask. They are just as interested in your views on Rebekah Vardy’s legal action as any people are, and have no anxieties about coronavirus communicability. Chat away.


Already fully veiled and protected, apriarists make the perfect conversation partners in these troubled times. Their daredevil lifestyle makes them naturally laidback when it comes to the potential transfer of germs, which are notably smaller than bees.

Hispters with enormous beards

As well as being something of a push-up bra for the aging man, beards are a natural face mask. In lockdown, male facial hair has evolved to create a barrier around the lips full of craft beer residue and vegan snack crumbs that no virus can penetrate.

Your mate who’s also got his mask around his chin

If two people agree that all this mask nonsense is a fuss about nothing and it’s no worse than the flu, then how could they possibly infect each other? That’s logic mate.


People who have already passed on have nothing to worry about when it comes to life-threatening disease. Ignore their warnings about polio, Spanish flu, Hong Kong flu and Asian flu. Be sure to thoroughly disinfect your Ouija board after use.

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'It's like they don't want the work', says man who thinks builders are poor

A MAN is mystified that builders have not returned his calls because he assumes they live in skips wearing filthy overalls desperate for cash-in-hand. 

Roy Hobbs has been trying to secure a builder to take on an extension project at his house but is struggling to get anyone to commit, which is baffling because of the gulf in social class between him and them.

He said: “It’s not a big job, but a time like now you’d think they’d be hungry for anything. Instead they’re not even giving me quotes. I get the feeling a proper day’s work is the last thing they want.

“They’ve been here, they can see my solid oak furniture and Marantz turntable, they know I’m not short of a bob or two. The only explanation is they’re lazy.”

Wife Fiona said: “Roy believes that anyone working in skilled labour is one step from the poorhouse. He’s genuinely expecting to be thanked for giving someone born ‘without any other options’ work.

“He must never know the guy who runs the local fencing firm has a heated home swimming pool, and children at a school that makes them wear boaters in the summer term. It would kill him.”