Steroids confirmed as this generation's Ecstasy

MUSCLE-BUILDING steroids have been confirmed as this decade’s defining drug.

As most men under 25 are transformed into lumbering monsters, experts confirmed that steroids bought from massive bald men with tiny eyes were the iconic illicit chemical of this generation.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Historically, drug trends have been associated with movements in music and culture, like ecstasy with house music, speed with punk and acid with meandering folk rock.

“But people aren’t really arsed about that any more, they just want to get so massive they block out sunlight, slather themselves in fake tan, then amble around provincial shopping centres in tight jumpers.”

Steroid user Tom Booker said: “Apparently my parents used to take mind-expanding drugs.

“Personally I think my mind is already too big and I want to shrink it so I am less plagued with self-doubt.

“My main thing is having massive square tits.”

25-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “E’s are good if you want to feel like you love everyone and everything.

“But steroids are the best for having a massive shit-fit in a designer shoe shop for no reason, then smashing it up like the Hulk.”

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Appetite For Destruction wins Best Album of All Time If We're Honest

GUNS N’ Roses’ debut album has been named the greatest album ever by a judging panel tired of lying to themselves.

Appetite For Destruction, first released in 1987, has never won any Grammys or Ivor Novello awards but is, everyone might as well admit, far superior to anything that has.

Judge Helen Archer, part of a panel of industry executives and senior journalists, said: “We were talking about OK Computer, Highway 61 Revisited, Revolver, Astral fucking Weeks, all that unbearable crap, sick to our stomachs about what we’d become.

“One night, after a particularly difficult session of pretending to appreciate Kraftwerk, we hit the beers, then six bottles of Jack and a whole lot of cigarettes.

“The last thing I remember was air-soloing to Paradise City, though apparently after I’d blacked out I smashed every other album with a hammer and got this sweet G ‘N’ R tattoo.”

The general public greeted the award with nods of recognition and the admission that all other albums only exist to clear the palate between plays of this one.

Music fan Tom Logan said: “Personally, I feel the best album of all time is Miles Davis’s Bitches’ Brew.

“It’s innovative, challenges your expectations, doesn’t begin with a killer guitar riff and an unearthly scream, doesn’t tell cool posers to just fuck off and actually it’s shit isn’t it?

Appetite forever.”