Teenage boys enter chrysalis stage

ACROSS the UK, teenage boys have finished school for the summer and built the chrysalises in which they will spend the next six weeks. 

Boys primarily aged between 13 and 15 have chewed up their family’s useless printed matter to make wood-pulp cocoons in which they will grow six inches and suffer strange alterations to their brains before emerging on September 1st.

Dad Nathan Muir said: “Jordan’s got the PlayStation in there, and his phone, and a wireless booster. That’s all he needs.

“We post in pizzas every three hours, trying to ignore the creepy hiss of headphones and sinister mutterings about someone on Fortnite’s mom, and leave him to it. It’s not pretty to see, when they change.

“If we want we can monitor his activity via his internet history but we… prefer not to. You can tell by the clicking, the stink of hormones, the groans as his limbs elongate.

“It’s no problem since we decided not to book a holiday anyway, because if we did we’d have to be on it with teenagers.”

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Man who claims to 'wear the trousers' in relationship can't wash trousers

A MAN who claims that he is the one ‘wearing the trousers’ in his relationship is unable to wash his trousers without his wife’s help. 

Tom Booker also refers to himself as the ‘head of the household’ despite having no idea where anything in his house is or how to work it.

Wife Sadie said: “We’re a traditional couple and Tom’s firmly in charge. Except when any basic adult task needs to be performed, in which case I step in.

“He can’t wash his trousers, he doesn’t know how to set up a direct debit and when I went away on a hen do I got back and he was genuinely feral. He’d ripped open food packets like a bear. It smelled like someone had died.

“Sometimes you can trust him brushing the cat, just about. Nothing more. Not after he tried to clean the bathroom with a power washer.”