ASPARTAME in lovely healthy sugar-free Diet Coke is a carcinogen, it turns out, and these other healthy options you’ve dutifully stuck to will also prove fatal:
Plant-based milk
Drinking dairy is pretty much like downing pints of poison. Oat and almond milk are virtuous alternatives glowing with health, until you realise they’re 10 per cent oats and the rest is oil and water run through processes that aren’t even legal to test on rats.
Red wine
Alcohol raises your cancer risk, but a glass of red wine a day cuts your chance of Alzheimers. But the tannins silt up your brain cells, then again the anti-oxidants cure heart disease. You’re f**ked either way.
Vegan meat
Reassuringly expensive, protein-based and mark you out as superior – ah bollocks, they’re ultra-processed which is the new bad thing. Have an old fashioned gristle-and-arseholes burger instead.
Salad
Pre-bagged salad is virtuous, right? It’s just plant leaves that lose all their nutrients and are washed in chlorine to kill bugs and also you. You might as well eat lead.
Brazil nuts
Full of selenium and fibre and radioactivity. Radioactivity? The good kind of radioactivity, you ask hopefully?
Granola
You quit your sugar-laden, tasty cereal for something virtuous, until you check the label and realise your joyless muesli has more sugar in than a bumper pack of fudge-frosted marshmallows.
Yoghurt-coated dried fruit
As calorific as a Mars bar and not even a twentieth of the pleasure. Plus come in tiny packs which make you feel like a toddler whose snacks are obsessively monitored.
Apples
An excellent part of your five a day, unless they were sprayed in pesticides in which case the vicar will say ‘If only she had been able to curb her lust for apples’ at your funeral.
Water
Need to feel full? Don’t want to die? Knock back nice, harmless H20 from the tap which is full of hormone residues, volatile organic compounds and microplastics. It’s essentially hemlock.
Air
Fine. Stick to nice, plain air that never hurt anyone, if you don’t count the emissions of car exhausts, wood burners and heavy industry. Do you even want to live? Then why are you breathing this shit?
