Friday, 30th October 2020

Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

With a local lockdown in place, residents are relieved to cancel trips to their town’s many shitty pubs and life-threatening nightclubs.

Tom Booker said: “That’s my visit to a rough Bolton townie pub stuffed. I’m heartbroken I’ll have to stay in and watch telly and not risk getting my head kicked in. I am very upset. Boo hoo.

“Nor will I be able to visit Bolton’s many fantastic chain restaurants. Sadly I’m going to have to cook something nice, maybe trout. But it won’t be the same without finding a false nail adrift in my bucket of chicken.”

Donna Sheridan said: “I wouldn’t want to live anywhere but Bolton, as long as I’m prohibited from venturing into the grim Northern hellscape outside my front door.

“I just love not going clubbing in Bolton. Hopefully the lockdown will go on for years. And at the weekend I’m not going to Bolton Steam Museum, because that is boring as f**k.”

Local councillor Roy Hobbs said: “I can’t thank the government enough for their chaotic lockdown policy. Bolton’s so much better now you can’t go out.”