Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

With a local lockdown in place, residents are relieved to cancel trips to their town’s many shitty pubs and life-threatening nightclubs.

Tom Booker said: “That’s my visit to a rough Bolton townie pub stuffed. I’m heartbroken I’ll have to stay in and watch telly and not risk getting my head kicked in. I am very upset. Boo hoo.

“Nor will I be able to visit Bolton’s many fantastic chain restaurants. Sadly I’m going to have to cook something nice, maybe trout. But it won’t be the same without finding a false nail adrift in my bucket of chicken.”

Donna Sheridan said: “I wouldn’t want to live anywhere but Bolton, as long as I’m prohibited from venturing into the grim Northern hellscape outside my front door.

“I just love not going clubbing in Bolton. Hopefully the lockdown will go on for years. And at the weekend I’m not going to Bolton Steam Museum, because that is boring as f**k.”

Local councillor Roy Hobbs said: “I can’t thank the government enough for their chaotic lockdown policy. Bolton’s so much better now you can’t go out.”

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Britain united in belief that 'work anniversaries' are bullshit

THE only thing that the whole of Britain can still agree on is that the idea of celebrating ‘work anniversaries’ is total bullshit, it has emerged. 

A hopelessly divided nation, split on everything from Brexit to Covid to whether crisps count as a meal, has come together in unanimous agreement that nobody should celebrate spending a year in the same job and LinkedIn can do one.

Helen Archer said: “I do not want to celebrate my work anniversary and nor do I want to congratulate others on theirs. Because it is not a f**king thing.

“Because forcing myself out of bed every morning to interact with people I don’t like while doing stuff I hate because I can’t be arsed to look for something else doesn’t seem like something to celebrate.

“Inviting us to commiserate our work anniversaries would be more apt.”

Joe Turner agreed: “LinkedIn can piss up a rope, but at least it’s brought us together.

“We came close with our disdain for Piers Morgan, but for the first time in years we’re all as one. No matter what your political leanings or where you’re from, man or woman, young or old, work anniversaries are utter bollocks.”