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The five hangovers of Twixmas, from best to please kill me

THE hinterland between Christmas and New Year punishes your body and mind in novel ways. These hangovers are why you’ll return to work not remotely refreshed: 

The Alcohol Hangover

Was it starting drinking at midday, or not stopping until 2am? Was it mixing sherry, prosecco, beer, red wine, brandy, eggnog, whisky, vodka and Baileys? Or was it just too much of one of them? Either way, all you want for Christmas is to die and for your body to be sealed in concrete to stop its extravagent toxicity harming future generations.

The Savoury Food Hangover 

Why couldn’t you stop at a handful of Twiglets? A couple of bowlfuls, even? Not to mention the slab of apple-smoked cheddar, wedge of stilton and mound of potatoes you nibbled straight from the fridge at midnight after a day of gorging? You wake feeling nauseous and yet somehow hungry. You’ll have to eat your way through it.

The Sugary Food Hangover 

Now the presents have all been unwrapped, there’s only one way to cushion your disappointment; a conveyor belt of delicious sugary treats. Tubs of Heroes, boxes of truffles, Yule log, candy canes, boxes of biscuits; your Marie Antoinette-level indulgence will sink you into a coma. Driving is not advised, and nor is trying to do up trousers.

The Too Much Telly Hangover

With nowhere to go and relatives demanding full explanations of your job/life/tattoos to avoid, the screen provides a much-needed escape. But discovering a new show snowballs into an 18-hour binge and it becomes easy to forget you do not exist solely to consume plot twists. Catatonic from over-consumption, you’ll have to interact with other humans to beat this one.

The Too Much Time With Family Hangover

When it comes to family, distance directly equates to tolerability. There is nothing more harmful to the body and mind to remember why you flushed your sister’s dolls down the toilet and stamped on your brother’s Lego. The most severe of all the hangovers, this can take months, or in some cases up to a year, to shift. If you can stand them by Easter you’re doing well.

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Mince pie, Chocolate Orange, Twiglets: Your post-Christmas leftovers five-a-day

BEFORE now and New Year, nothing healthier than the dubiously fruity insides of a mince pie will pass your lips. Here are your new five-a-day:

Turkey sandwich

You were sick of turkey by 3pm on Christmas Day, but because your mum insisted on buying a 12lb bird to feed a family of four, one of whom is a vegetarian, you’ve got to have the leftovers in at least one sandwich a day for the next week. And if you refuse, your relatives will insist that you are personally spitting on every starving child around the world.

Chocolate Orange

The nearest you’ll get to any vitamins for the next few days, and that’s purely because it has the word ‘orange’ in the name. It’s also the closest you’ll get to any physical exercise, as it will take some hefty whacks on the edge of a table to crack it open.

Mince pie

While mince pies may contain some dried fruit, it has been so thoroughly rinsed in sugar syrup that any goodness it once contained is long gone. You could try convincing yourself that having a fancy one with frangipane in is essentially like eating a handful of almonds, but you’d be wrong and might as well just chomp your way through a tablespoonful of sugar instead.

Roast potatoes

Despite your dad thinking everyone would eat at least ten potatoes during Christmas lunch, you only managed two and there are approximately 90 leftover. They’ve been reheated at least four times but you’re still gamely shoving a couple down at each subsequent meal, even breakfast. Yes, they’re a vegetable, but still not one of your five-a-day, even at Christmas.

Twiglets

Twigs grow on trees, just like apples, which means Twiglets are a healthy, natural option, right? Sadly, by this stage your brain has been almost completely destroyed by booze and mindless Christmas films, and you have forgotten that a Twiglet is not an actual stick but a starchy, Marmite-flavoured snack. It’s time to go back to work.

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