The five obvious reasons you've come down with a Christmas cold

ILL? Cursing fate while baffled as to where it could possibly have come from? Knowingly overlooking these painfully clear infection vectors?  

It’s winter

Viruses thrive in lower temperatures, so a fortnight-long cold snap has been like an Ibiza rave for these microscopic infectious bastards. Being sparing with the heating saved you money while unwittingly turning your flat into a Petri dish of seasonal disease to strike you down just in time for the 25th. Merry Christmas.

Everyone else is ill

So you’re ill, and everyone you’ve been in close contact with recently has also been hacking up phlegm and battling with an endlessly runny nose? If only there were some connection between these two pieces of data. But science is an unknowable art and freak incidents like this will forever remain mired in mystery.

When did you last wear a face mask?

It was around February, wasn’t it? That time you wore it to the shops and nobody else was wearing one and you felt like a dick so you binned it. Turns out they actually do a decent job of preventing viruses from entering your respiratory system, who knew? You could not have been this ill.

You went to the Christmas market

And didn’t just leave with a jar of festively-spiced chutney and a wooden tie. You also picked up the most evolutionarily sucessful and physically debilitating virus of the dozens infecting the meandering twats you shoved past to the mulled wine hut. Was it worth it? Was any of it worth it? No.

Mainly it’s the winter thing though

But, circling back, the hard truth is that your cold is winter’s fault. You’re knackered from a year of toil, your diet of mince pies and alcohol has left your body vulnerable, you never dry your hair properly and it’s been freezing for weeks. That’s why you always have colds at Christmas. And it’s the season of giving, so soon so will everyone else.

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Brexiter unable to comprehend how strikers could vote to deliberately inconvenience him

A BREXIT voter cannot see how striking workers are allowed to vote for action which deliberately and wilfully makes his life worse. 

Steve Malley, aged 49, is shocked there exists no legal impediment to voting to make your fellow citizens’ lives measurably poorer just to benefit yourself.

He said: “Can’t they see the damage they’re doing to this country? And for what?

“They think they’re fighting on behalf of the working man. Deluded idiots. Why can’t they think of the families they’ve put barriers between and the needless inconvenience we’re all suffering?

“And they know nothing about economics. They actually believe the union bosses’ lies that this will make them richer? Can’t they see they’ll only impoverish themselves further? Why can’t people think things through?

“It’s right that the Tories are going to legislate to overrule their votes. Democracy’s a noble principle but you can’t leave big decisions like this in the hands of credulous idiots.”

Malley added: “They’re everything that’s wrong with Britain today. There is no other reason.”