The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep

TROUBLE sleeping? We consulted doctors, psychotherapists, stress experts and your partner to find one simple solution stated in five different ways. Follow this guide and you’ll soon be in dreamland:

The GP
Sleep can only come when you are tired both mentally and physically. For this reason, we recommend tackling insomnia with vigorous masturbation.

The psychotherapist
At night the mind is full of the demons of the day, our thoughts still running in the same patterns as in the waking hours. And the easiest way to exorcise those demons is not to take them on – that just feeds them! – but to break the patterns, repurpose that energy and settle the mind by bringing it to closure by having a wank.

The stress expert
Highly successful people know to take regular breaks, but they don’t waste that time surfing the web or watching TV. Instead they take a 10-minute session of punishing self-abuse to remotivate themselves and refresh their bodies. And this executive trick works just as well at night to get the four hours rest needed to make deals. Jack yourself off. Mark Zuckerberg does.

The IT guy
The mind is like a computer, running various processes in the background throughout the day, but at night those background thoughts can become loud and intrusive. And much as a computer clears its cache, we can clear our minds by ‘running a programme’ which overwrites them, for example a cherished erotic memory or sexual fantasy, bringing ourselves off to it just to make sure.

Your partner
Get off. Go on, bugger off, I’m asleep. Well I was asleep. No I’m not in the mood. I’m in the mood for sleep. Fuck off. Go downstairs and have a wank and stop bothering me.

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Cats to be main food providers post-Brexit

DOMESTIC cats are set to provide over 50 per cent of British meals in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

If ports are blocked and supermarket shelves empty it will fall to Britain’s felines to show some Dunkirk spirit and bring their owners a tasty bit of sparrow.

Cat owner Donna Sheridan said: “I used to be furious about Mr Boots bringing in dead animals, but that was before anyone had heard of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

“Now he’ll be doing his bit for the household food supply. We’ll be sitting by the cat flap, stomachs rumbling, grateful for anything he brings in of an evening. 

“Mice, dead birds, the odd rat if we’re lucky, perhaps a wood pigeon for Christmas dinner. And, much as I hate to say this, if things get really desperate there’s always Mr Boots himself.

“I always wondered why he used to stare at us in that superior way of his, as if he knew something we didn’t. Now I know.”

Mr Boots said: “You mess with highly integrated modern supply chains and just-in-time deliveries at your peril. Right, who fancies a decapitated mouse?”