The Rees-Mogg guide to making your own medicine

ON THURSDAY June 26th 2016 the UK voted, quite rightly, against keeping supply lines open for life-saving medicines, so it’s time to start making your own. Try these: 

Paracetamol
Currently used for mild aches and pains, after a no-deal Brexit paracetamol will be the anaesthetic of choice for major surgery. Concoct your own by simply mixing two parts home-brewed scrumpy to three parts chalk and allowing to dry.

Propranolol
A common anti-anxiety drug that cheers up ordinary folk like you – hence ending with ‘lol’ – can be easily replaced by strong coffee, a dab of locally sourced amphetamine and a television showing the delightful Only Fools & Horses. For serious cases put two televisions side-by-side.

Evorel HRT patches
Hormone replacement therapy patches are already in short supply, but teenagers are brimming with hormones. Menopausal woman can simply gather in packs, hunt down teenage girls and siphon them. Perfectly normal stuff.

Moexipril
This drug is vital for sufferers of heart disease, frequently red-faced over-eaters who drink heavily and vote Conservative. No shortage can be countenanced. Supplies will be flown in whatever the cost. These voters are the UK’s most precious resource.

Sertraline
Who could need an anti-depressant when we’re free from the shackles of EU bureaucracy and our country is our own again? We’ll all be happy all the time on our invincible island of joyous citizens mixing scrumpy and speed to try and approximate their usual medication.