The Rees-Mogg guide to making your own medicine

ON THURSDAY June 26th 2016 the UK voted, quite rightly, against keeping supply lines open for life-saving medicines, so it’s time to start making your own. Try these: 

Currently used for mild aches and pains, post-Brexit paracetamol is the anaesthetic of choice for major surgery. Concoct your own by simply mixing two parts home-brewed scrumpy to three parts chalk and allowing to dry.

A common anti-anxiety drug that cheers up ordinary folk like you – hence ending with ‘lol’ – can be easily replaced by strong coffee, a dab of locally sourced amphetamine and a television showing the delightful Only Fools & Horses. For serious cases put two televisions side-by-side.

Evorel HRT patches
Hormone replacement therapy patches are already in short supply, but teenagers are brimming with hormones. Menopausal woman can simply gather in packs, hunt down teenage girls and siphon them. Perfectly normal stuff.

This drug is vital for sufferers of heart disease, frequently red-faced over-eaters who drink heavily and vote Conservative. No shortage can be countenanced. Supplies will be flown in whatever the cost. These voters are the UK’s most precious resource.

Who could need an anti-depressant when we’re free from the shackles of EU bureaucracy and our country is our own again? We’ll all be happy all the time on our invincible island of joyous citizens mixing scrumpy and speed to try and approximate their usual medication.

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Couple book babysitter so they can spend whole evening looking at photos of their children

A COUPLE have hired a babysitter so they can spend a rare evening alone together looking at photographs of their kids. 

Tom and Sophie Booker booked a night away from the children in order to sit in a pub scrolling through the last seven years’ worth of images on their iPad.

Sophie said: “It’s the first night we’ve had away on our own since November last year, so we got all dressed up, had a fancy meal and two bottles of wine, and obsessively went on about the kids.

“We started by reviewing recent photos, then remembered a classic photo of Ruby in my sunglasses from 2013. A tiny baby’s head with massive sunglasses! Priceless!

“After that we started comparing them as babies, then going through our holidays summer by summer to see how much they’d grown, then we moved on the Christmases.

“Probably the highlight of the night was when we found a video of Emilia eating a lemon! Her little face! Even the waiter enjoyed that one.

“By the end we’d scrolled right back to the day she was born, and I’m not afraid to say we were both in tears.

“It was a cracking night.”