Thousands Of Doctors Prescribing Jesus

CHRISTIAN doctors are regularly sending patients home with a course of Testament, according to new research.

Patients with a variety of complaints have been advised to rest, drink plenty of fluids and seek everlasting salvation through the grace and glory of the son of God three times a day until they’re dead.

Meanwhile it has also emerged that one Christian GP sent an elderly woman in Knutsford to heaven after inducing a second stroke in a bid to turn the other cheek to the first one.

Carlisle taxi driver Roy Hobbs said: “In my line of work I’m easy meat for hemorrhoids but my GP just sent me away with that verse from Corinthians about love being patient and kind.

“I came back a week later and told him that love was not really doing it for my backside, but he just told me to forgive my arsenuts for they knew not what they did. Then he smiled serenely through his beard and asked me to join him in a rousing chorus of Lord of the Dance.

“I can’t sit down.”

The London University survey found that 12% of doctors described themselves as ‘religious’ even after comparing the story of Lazarus with the large body of medical literature on the subject of being dead.

Those 12% were found to be 60% more likely to refuse palliative care for the terminally ill in extreme pain, preferring to tell their patients not to worry as they would soon be in the loving arms of Archangel Brian.

Julian Cook, a abdominal surgeon from Peterborough, said: “I like to get in there, have a poke about, see what Revelation has to say about gall bladders and then let Jesus close for me.

“I was so sure that someone would have stopped me by now. Good old Jesus.”


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Memorial Sex Woman Pushing Britain Toward Littlejohn State Of Mind

THE war memorial sex woman and her verminous consort are in danger of making sane people think like Daily Mail columnists, it emerged last night.

Wendy Lewis and her Nazi-saluting boyfriend Frank McKenzie have left Zadie Smith-reading Amnesty International members spewing bucket upon bucket of pungent, hate-filled verbal pus.

Tom Logan, an English teacher from Finsbury Park, said: “Before this happened I was opposed to capital punishment for anything. Now there’s like 18 things on my list. Nope, sorry – 19 –  I forgot ‘looking a bit shifty’.”

He added: “Last night I dreamed I was drinking in an idyllic country pub with Richard Littlejohn. We talked at length, agreeing enthusiastically about child molesters, prostitutes and wheelie bins. And then we smashed the windows of a nearby arts centre where some perfectly nice lesbians were doing a play called ‘Africa’s Ovaries’ at my expense.

“I feel more conflicted than Anakin Skywalker.”

Librarian Emma Bradford, who owns Dido CDs and recycles jumper fluff, said: “I do wish I could stop myself thinking that she should have her mouth filled with baby rats and he should have his penis put through a mangle.

“Surely there are socio-cultural reasons why someone urinates and performs an unnervingly ambiguous-sounding ‘sex act’ on a war memorial, before telling some old men who fought against Hitler to fuck off.

“My husband thinks there is, but I’m starting to think he’s a mealy-mouthed, turtleneck-wearing gayboy.”

She added: “I’ve just had my hair done a bit like Jan Moir’s.

“And I like it.”