Ulster Police Deafened By Catholic Screams

YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.

The former policemen are demanding more than £60 million in compensation for what they say was a preventable injury while subduing the minions of Rome.

Denys Hatton, the officers' solicitor, said: "In 2007 you would not dream of sending men into battle against the forces of Popery and idolatry without a decent pair of ear muffs.

"Many of these men had to endure two decades of noisy plastic bullets, republican megaphones and wave after wave of pathetic, screeching bog-trotters shouting, 'please stop hitting me'."

Last year a group of ex-RUC officers was awarded an out-of-court settlement for cartilage injuries caused by repeatedly ramming their kneecaps into hundreds of pairs of Nationalist testicles.

Mr Hatton said: "No-one wants to go for a jog or a swim and have everyone staring at the tell-tale Fenian gonad imprints on your thighs.

"The British government has a duty to compensate these brave men," he added. "They followed their orders and only a very small majority would have done it for nothing anyway."

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Safety Fears After A380 On-Board Safari Incident

SAFETY concerns have been raised about the A380 super-jumbo after two passengers were attacked by lions during their on-board safari.

The two business class passengers had to be rescued when their Land Rover became bogged down near a watering hole and they tried to get back to their flat-bed seats on foot.

The incident comes as Airbus announced that the next generation of A380s will feature a 25,000 seat auditorium based on the Roman Colosseum.

Vasily Borodin, vice-president of Russia's Aeroflot, said first class passengers will be able choose up to a dozen people from economy and then command them to fight to the death.

"The winners and their families will be upgraded, so we should get some terrific contests," he added.

But the giant plane has been criticised by business travellers after it emerged that its on-board golf course was only nine holes, and not the 7000-yard championship links as originally promised.

Jean Floriette, A380 lead designer, said new planes coming off the production line would be upgraded to include a Jack Niklaus designed 18-hole course with club house and spa, although he admitted this could lead to compromises elsewhere.

He said: "We may end up having to cut back a bit on the grouse moor, but there's already a stag hunt and some world-class salmon fishing, so we hope this minor change will not inconvenience passengers too much."

He said there was no question of the A380 jettisoning Der Stuka®, its six storey high water slide which sends passengers down a 250 feet near vertical drop and on to a 300 foot long runway.