YEARS of listening to the ear-splitting crack of Catholic skulls has left hundreds of RUC officers with hearing difficulties, it was claimed last night.
The former policemen are demanding more than £60 million in compensation for what they say was a preventable injury while subduing the minions of Rome.
Denys Hatton, the officers' solicitor, said: "In 2007 you would not dream of sending men into battle against the forces of Popery and idolatry without a decent pair of ear muffs.
"Many of these men had to endure two decades of noisy plastic bullets, republican megaphones and wave after wave of pathetic, screeching bog-trotters shouting, 'please stop hitting me'."
Last year a group of ex-RUC officers was awarded an out-of-court settlement for cartilage injuries caused by repeatedly ramming their kneecaps into hundreds of pairs of Nationalist testicles.
Mr Hatton said: "No-one wants to go for a jog or a swim and have everyone staring at the tell-tale Fenian gonad imprints on your thighs.
"The British government has a duty to compensate these brave men," he added. "They followed their orders and only a very small majority would have done it for nothing anyway."