We will get sugar somehow, promise kids

CHILDREN have confirmed that they will find sugar wherever it is hidden because they love it.

A million magic crystals painted pure and white

As parents threw away sugar-laden fruit juice, their offspring were already constructing makeshift ladders to the baking cupboard and pouring themselves vermicelli shots.

Eight-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “It doesn’t matter if it’s in a lollipop, a cereal bar, a bottle of Newman’s Own Sticky BBQ Sauce or the raw sucrose stored in the back legs of a grasshopper, I’m having sugar.

“Our entire diet is a long game of Find the Lady, where the manufacturers have hidden sugars in one supposedly healthy item and we know which but you don’t.

“Without that we’ll steal packets of sugar from cafe tables or lick around the rim of your cappuccino cup like wasps.

“Anything for sweet, sweet sugar.”

Mother of three Susan Traherne said: “We do our best to keep them off the stuff, but it’s not easy.

“Our Gavin’s trick-or-treat bucket was overflowing. It’s taken the last 10 nights  and a box-set of Lewis for us to munch it down to an acceptable level.”

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Miliband’s brain to be transplanted into manly body

THE brain of Labour leader Ed Miliband is to be transplanted into the body of male model David Gandy.

Confident around bacon

Party officials believe Miliband’s underwhelming physical presence has been the cause of his flagging popularity.

A Labour source said: “Ed has the right mind but his appearance is that of a teenage wallflower at a school disco, clutching a plastic cup full of Tango while everyone else snogs each other.

“With a hot alpha male appearance and easygoing body language he could win the next election and boost party coffers by doing lucrative underwear campaigns.”

Top male model Gandy volunteered for the body swap because he is tired of being hassled by really attractive women and just wants to spends his days in DVD and game exchange shops, quietly browsing the Buffy box sets.

Ed Miliband said: “Politics should not be a superficial popularity contest, but on the other hand I’m looking forward to eating food and talking to girls without fear of ridicule.

“All this stuff about me being a nerd is incredibly childish. Still, they won’t be laughing if I get a body like Steve Rogers.

“That’s Captain America.”