FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.
Best Practise For Inter-Species Coitus In The Agricultural Workplace warns that farmers should not attempt to engage pigs in intercourse without 'appropriate hearing protection' such as ear guards, plugs or muffs.
Farmer Denys Hatton, who defiles more than 400 acres near Worcester, said: "Yet more nanny state nonsense. I doubt these pen-pushers have ever even seen a pig, let alone mounted one. They actually go very quiet.
"They stopped us burning stubble, and now they want to stop us humping the bejesus out of pigs.
"But it's never going to happen – not as long as these 30-stone beauties are the colour of sunkissed virgins and their little brown eyes are filled with yearning."
An HSE spokesperson has denied victimising the farming industry, adding: "The high-pitched squeals of a violated sow can penetrate the inner ear and permanently damage the tiny hairs that allow us to hear.
"One alternative to ear protection is a 'glory hole' style arrangement, where a small aperture is made at groin level on the side of the sty thereby allowing intercourse to occur without the farmer entering the enclosure.
"Or just get them up against a wall outside, where the squeals are less likely to resonate at high risk frequencies."
The guidelines also recommend checking that Tuberculosis jabs are up to date before going at it hammer and tongs with a badger.