Wear Ear Protection During Pig Sex, Farmers Warned

FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.

Best Practise For Inter-Species Coitus In The Agricultural Workplace warns that farmers should not attempt to engage pigs in intercourse without 'appropriate hearing protection' such as ear guards, plugs or muffs.

Farmer Denys Hatton, who defiles more than 400 acres near Worcester, said: "Yet more nanny state nonsense. I doubt these pen-pushers have ever even seen a pig, let alone mounted one. They actually go very quiet.

"They stopped us burning stubble, and now they want to stop us humping the bejesus out of pigs.

"But it's never going to happen – not as long as these 30-stone beauties are the colour of sunkissed virgins and their little brown eyes are filled with yearning."

An HSE spokesperson has denied victimising the farming industry, adding: "The high-pitched squeals of a violated sow can penetrate the inner ear and permanently damage the tiny hairs that allow us to hear.

"One alternative to ear protection is a 'glory hole' style arrangement, where a small aperture is made at groin level on the side of the sty thereby allowing intercourse to occur without the farmer entering the enclosure.

"Or just get them up against a wall outside, where the squeals are less likely to resonate at high risk frequencies."

The guidelines also recommend checking that Tuberculosis jabs are up to date before going at it hammer and tongs with a badger.

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Dejected Man Utd Fans Begin Long Journey Back To Surrey

THOUSANDS of despondent Manchester United supporters returned to the Home Counties last night after the club's Champions League final defeat in Rome.

Carrying nothing more than some truffle oil, a tin of Calabrian tuna and a bottle of really lovely Tuscan red, the United fans said if it wasn't for the glorious detail in the Trevi Fountain the whole trip would have been a total disaster.

Godalming based-supporter Julian Cook said: "I've been a die-hard fan since they started winning things, so I was terribly miffed at the end.

"But then we came across this gorgeous little trattoria just off the Via Della Vicenza that did the most exquisite Asparago di Veneto. I felt like Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday."

But Martin Bishop, from Dorking, accused champions Barcelona of cheating. "They kept hanging on to the ball and wouldn't give it back. It was just so blatant."

He added: "I was really very angry at the time, but then I thought of all that wonderful Catalan architecture and found it within myself to forgive them."

Uefa president Michel Platini hailed the game as, 'a triumph for the sponsors, hospitality suites, television residual broadcast revenue and, to some extent, Barcelona'.

Meanwhile the Catalan club made history by fielding the first Champion's League winner grown from a petri dish.

Barca coach Ian Guardiola, said: "When he came to us as a boy, Messi was no bigger than my thumb. But bathing him daily in monkey-brain growth serum grew him into the unstoppable dwarf he is today."