SEVEN million people in the UK are illegally downloading the sort of music and films you wouldn't pay for even as you heard the ominous click of a gun being cocked.
According to the Strategic Advisory Board for Intellectual Property, illegal downloaders are accessing material that could be worth up to £120bn a year if it was any good.
A spokesman said: "Entertainers would be facing genuine hardship if it was not for all those people whose lives are so devastatingly empty that they will hand over good money to watch Daniel Craig do some of his own stunts."
But experts stressed that while seven million people may be getting free Katy Perry, there are 53 million others who would gleefully hurl themselves in front of a train rather than listen to a single, quirky note.
Dr Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "I was astonished to discover there are websites where you actually have to pay to listen to Leona Lewis.
"And when I read that Shia LaBeouf has moved into a luxury villa, high in the Hollywood Hills, I begin to tremble with rage at the thought that someone, somewhere has given him money."
Dr Logan said that out of the top 10 illegally downloaded films, 'somewhere between nine and 11 of them are utter fucking rubbish'.
"The most popular film download this week is something called Fired Up. It tells the eternal story of two high school football players who sign-up for cheerleader camp where they discover the true meaning of friendship and bras.
"Apparently it makes Transformers look like a freshly discovered folio of charcoal sketches by Leonardo da Vinci."
He added: "Pass me a train timetable and a map. I have an appointment to keep."