We’ll all have a great 2021, and the other dumbshit things you believed this time last year

REMEMBER how idiotically optimistic you were a fortnight into this shitstorm, 12 months ago? Remember how unthinkingly you believed these laughable delusions? 

We’ll be back to normal by summer

There’s no way a respiratory disease could survive the baking heat and relentless aridity of a British summer, you believed without evidence. This’ll blow over in weeks. You even booked a lavish summer holiday as a treat for staying cooped up in your flat. The refund has now been put back to May.

We’ll always appreciate the NHS

The Clap for Carers was a heartwarming moment of unity, a mass realisation that our heroic NHS workers should be financially rewarded. The idea that the prime minister whose life they saved would f**k them over with a real-terms pay cut seemed beyond belief.

This will ruin the Tories

The missed COBRA meetings, delayed national lockdown and PPE shortages all meant the writing was on the wall for the Tories, especially with Keir Starmer as a new, popular and effective leader of the opposition. What a complete tool you were for believing that bollocks. 127,000 Covid deaths and Boris is about to take Hartlepool.

Some time at home will do us good

Pressing pause on modern life will let us all take stock, we claimed. ‘Why have I been wasting old bananas when I could be baking them into lovely hot banana bread?’ you said. Because they taste like stale shit and being at home for a year is boring. Seems obvious, but 2020 was a different and altogether more stupid time.

All our problems will be solved by a vaccine

Once the vaccine comes along, one jab and the world instantly returns to normal. Apart from the rollout, and the other countries, and the different efficacity of different jabs, and the variants, and all those other minor details that mean we’ll be social distancing for the rest of our lives.

We’ll all have a great 2021

Okay, 2020 might be a write-off, you were prepared to admit. But 2021? That will be a year of hope and joy and renewed life and huge parties, parties like we’ve never partied before. Remember that next week when you’re pathetically grateful to be able to book a table in a chain pub’s beer garden.

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Flaunting curves: the Daily Mail's breakdown of everything a woman does wrong while walking down the street

NOTHING stirs the moral outrage of a Mail reader like the sight of a young woman shamelessly out in public. Here’s that needless provocation broken down: 

Flaunting curves

Here a fuller-figured celebrity has invited a passive-aggressive takedown by daring to leave the house wearing something smaller than a tent. Readers are also invited to observe that a ‘busty show’ has occurred, due to the presence of breasts upon the woman’s body.

Leggy display

A woman has boldly paraded millennia of evolutionary progress in favour of bipedalism by cavorting upright on both legs while wearing shorts, a skirt, yoga pants or skinny jeans. Such carefree exuberance may threaten to ‘set pulses racing’, which is entirely her fault.

Packs on the PDA

Covers a multitude of sins from smiling too widely at her boyfriend to physical contact with the opposite sex or, shamfully and titillatingly, the same sex. Simply grabbing a takeaway latte hand-in-hand with a romantic partner is the kind of loved-up display that makes any right-thinking Daily Mail reader nauseous.

Highlights her trim physique

Caught exercising outdoors, this woman is quite frankly rubbing the world’s nose in it by daring to have the kind of body that the Mail approves of. She’ll pay for ‘showcasing her toned frame’ later, when a pap gets a picture of her looking fat.

Boldly going make-up free

Not so pretty now, are you, minor celebrity? NOT SO PRETTY NOW.

Embracing her baby bump

Here a famous person in the late stages of pregnancy has shunned 24-hour home confinement in favour of popping to the shop for a Magnum. The humanity!