Sunday, 1st November 2020

What the f**k is the point of a 10pm curfew? A scientist tries to explain

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

Hello, I’m a qualified epidemiologist, which is why I’ve been called upon to explain to Geordies, the hardest drinkers in England, why a 10pm curfew makes perfect sense. 

Over the last few months pubs have proven to be a cause of coronavirus transmission, to the shock and surprise of leading virologist and Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin. 

But of course it is impossible to close pubs completely, because of the third law of thermodynamics. There’s no need to look that up. I have a degree from Cambridge. 

So we are acting to limit the spread of the virus by working under the assumption that, like Jack the Ripper, it prowls the streets late at night looking for drunks it can drag into back alleys. 

By closing pubs an hour earlier than usual – a whole hour – Geordies will hold their traditional kebab shop fights, taxi queue fights and simple, honest street fights earlier, leading to coronavirus transmission ceasing entirely. 

A pub curfew is, therefore, one of the most powerful tools at the government’s disposal to make it look like it’s battling a second wave but not really. 

If you don’t want to stop drinking, just load up on cans and go back to someone’s flat. Boris says as long as there’s no hot tub it’s fine.