Wednesday, 30th September 2020

The clapped-out Mancunian rock star's guide to Covid-19

NEED Covid advice? Fortunately two of the most well-known rock stars of yesteryear, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown, are here to join intellectual forces and tell it like it is.

Masks

NOEL: No one tells me what to do. It’s like World War 1. Them soldiers taking orders from officers to put on masks when there was a mustard gas attack. I’d have told them to piss off. I’m not gonna take orders from some hoity-toity country house ponce like Captain Damon Albarn. 

IAN: Anagram of masks: ‘skams’. Think about it. 

Social distancing

NOEL: I might reform Oasis just to annoy the social distancing do-gooders. I hate my gobshite brother Liam, but I’d probably snog him to piss them off. It won’t happen though – I’m too busy composing new material on Paul McCartney’s old Gretsch acoustic while sitting on an enormous throne in my mansion, Bonehead Heights. I’ve got a bullshit detector.

IAN: Social distancing. Stands for Super Oppressive Control Initiative Activate Lies Divide Indoctrinate Sheep Total Authoritarian National Conspiracy It’s Nazi Germany. Think about it.

Vaccines

NOEL: There was only one reason John Lennon stuck a needle in himself and it wasn’t coronavirus, know what I mean? I don’t. No one tells me what to do, but if the Beatles wrote Sergeant Pepper on Covid vaccine instead of LSD, I’d be like “Stick that needle in me now”. 

IAN: Why do they want to keep you alive? So they can carry on controlling your minds. By trying to stay alive you’re playing right into their hands. Think about it. #searchbollockswebsites.