Are you too thick to vote?

BRITAIN’S current crisis is the result of voters failing to understand important issues, experts claim. So are you one of Britain’s thick-as-pigshit voters? Find out: 

Who is the chancellor of the exchequer?

A) Rishi Sunak.
B) Money Saving Expert’s Martin Lewis.

If Anna gives Becky three apples, and Charles gives Becky four apples but she gives one back to Anna, how many apples does Becky have?

A) Six apples.
B) Why’s Charles giving Becky apples? I’m sick of this handout culture where lazy bastards expect everything for free. Becky is everything that’s wrong with Britain.

Name three of William Shakespeare’s plays.

A) Hamlet. Romeo and Juliet. A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
B) I don’t like made-up stuff. I can’t believe in it. I only watch true crime.

What is the EU?

A) An international trade organisation based in Europe.
B) A dictatorship completely dependent on our money which controls every aspect of our lives and which will collapse without us. Believe me, it’s their head on the chopping block.

What percentage of the British population is white?

A) 86 per cent.
B) Less than 30 per cent and getting lower. Because they breed faster. You know who I mean. We’re the minority now.

Which famous event began in 1939?

A) World War Two.
B) Coronation Street.


Mostly As: You are reasonably well-informed. Expect your vote to be instantly cancelled out by some idiot who thinks cats miaowing is an actual language.

Mostly Bs: For the good of democracy, don’t vote. Or do some bloody research, but you won’t do that because Google is so hard to use, except when you want a pizza or a wank.

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Online freshers' week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course

UNIVERSITIES’ online freshers weeks will include the traditional session of spontaneous awful sex with a loner bloke from your course but via Zoom. 

New students worried they will miss out on the experience of disastrously banging some strange dude they have only spoken to twice are relieved they will not miss out on this important life milestone.

Grace Wood-Morris, reading history of art, said: “It’s such a fundamental part of the university experience.

“You have a few drinks, you’re completely disoriented by new cicrumstances, you take him back to your room, realise halfway through what a mistake this is, avoid him for the rest of your degree. Classic uni.

“I’ve also booked in to the preceding Zoom session of ‘Dancing to Music You Entirely Hate in the Name of Socialising’, to get the full benefit, and I’m on an interactive walk of shame the following morning.”

Weird older student Ryan Whittaker said: “I’m so glad they’ve managed to fit this in. It’s the only contact I’ll have with a woman in the whole three years.”