Why all the sexy ladies want epidemiologists, by Professor Neil Ferguson

by Professor Neil Ferguson, faculty of medicine, Imperial College, London

YES, I broke lockdown. But if you had any idea just how much triple-A pussy you can get mathematically modelling the spread of disease, you’d understand. 

I deeply regret that I ignored the rules to see one of my many, many women. But since I entered infectious diseases in 2000 two weeks is the longest I’ve gone without a shag. Hell, two days is a drought.

The day I modelled the spread of the foot-and-mouth outbreak, I got home and there was a girl I’d never seen before naked in my bed. ‘How did you get in?’ I spluttered. ‘You’re the prediction expert,’ she said, throwing off the duvet. ‘You tell me.’

And from that moment on I’ve been going at it like a new strain of influenza in a weakened immune system. A woman for breakfast, another for lunch, two overnight. That’s weekdays. At weekends, well, I go kind of crazy.

It’s not my fault. The minute the chicks hear you’re an epidemiologist their panties hit the floor. There’s just something about studying virus transmission in large populations that demolishes every inhibition.

Jennifer Lawrence, Penelope Cruz, Nicki Minaj – who was so obsessed with my work on the Zika virus that we had to break up, I was physically exhausted – they’ve all stripped off my lab coat at one time or another.

So giving some married honey a booty call was of no more consequence to me than ordering a pizza. Sure, it was the best she’ll ever have, but to me? Wednesday.

It’s probably for the best. I was on course to win a Nobel prize, and honestly? Not sure the old dick could take it.

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Cocky foxes now running county councils

INCREASINGLY bolder urban foxes are so unafraid of humans they are now openly taking on public roles, it has been revealed.

Since the pandemic began, foxes have ceased even pretending to be scared of people and are revelling in their ability to forage for food and make regional governance decisions unchallenged.

Fox Tom Logan said: “I used to tip over bins outside the kebab shop, darting for cover whenever I heard human footsteps, but now I have an office, a secretary and all the six-week old canteen leftovers I can eat.

“We’ve taken up key posts in councils, we’re school governors, we’re on the boards of primary care trusts. We’re keeping it local and real.

“Why shouldn’t we be represented on public bodies? We live here just like you, and at least we’re not afraid to walk the streets. You’re the ones hiding under cars if anyone spots you now.”

Council employee Emma Bradford said: “My office was shut a month ago but when I accidentally called my extension I heard the unmistakeable screech of an urban fox.

“I’ve been there ten years and worked hard, but do I have the persistence or cunning of a fox? Would I work for a bucket of earthworms? The answer on both counts is no.”