Woman doing pelvic floor exercises in meeting confident no-one can tell

A WOMAN quietly doing her pelvic floor exercises in a business meeting is pretty sure nobody has noticed.

Nikki Hollis has spent the last 10 minutes of the weekly sales update flexing the muscles of her vagina, but believes she has been careful not to show it on her face.

She said: “Why not? I’m multitasking.

“Pretty sure I’ve masked it just as expressions of suprise and joy when Mark unveils his impressive ROIs for the marketing budget. There’s no way anyone can tell.”

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “We can literally all tell.

“She’s raising her eyebrows with a look of pained surprise every five seconds, and shifting around on the chair like a toddler with an itchy arse.

“Also the moment when she had a full-body shudder and nearly slid under the table was a heavy hint. And a memorable one.”

Malley added: “Luckily most of the room’s attention was on Dan frantically clenching his arse because he was on the Guinness last night and was terrified that if he farted he’d crap himself.”

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Five perfect picnic spots to trigger the f**k out of your hay fever

SUMMER’S here and what better way to make the most of the glorious outdoors than by  sneezing uncontrollably while you eat overpriced brie out of a bag? 

Here are five beautiful picnic spots to completely ruin by strewing with sticky Kleenex.

Hyde Park 

Londoners love nothing more than the peace and quiet that can be found on the only 10 square inches of available green space left at Hyde Park by the time they get their arses into gear on a sunny day. The capital’s signature pollution adds dark, earthy tones to your mucus.

The Lake District

Wordsworth, Coleridge and Beatrix Potter were inspired by the spectacular scenery of the Lakes, proving none of them were hay fever sufferers or they’d fucked off, sharpish. Though perhaps Coleridge only did all that opium because antihistamines had yet to be invented.

Peak District National Park 

Peak District, peak nasal congestion, peak misery. All that fresh air whipping through the valleys and you can’t breathe any of it. Bollocks to nature.

Dartmoor National Park 

It’s so easy to lose yourself on the wild and beautiful Devon moors. Luckily, the trail of nose gunk you leave in your wake will help you remember where you parked.

The New Forest 

Seriously, fucking tree pollen? Rumoured to be haunted by a red-eyed, shrieking ghost which can only be warded off with a box of Benadryl.