Woman who has never sat up straight in her life wondering why her back hurts

A WOMAN who has the posture of a prawn cannot find a reason for her mysteriously persistent back pain.

Hannah Tomlinson is at a loss as to the cause of her constant lumbar agony, despite the fact she always sits bent double over her desk with her spine curved over like Quasimodo.

Tomlinson said: “Every day I have this strange discomfort in my lower back. It always kicks in when I sit completely slouched down in my chair to the point where my head is level with the desk. Wish I knew where it came from.

“Then, bizarrely, as I enter the fifth consecutive hour hunched over my laptop while making no effort to straighten myself out, my shoulders start to ache, too. I wonder if the two are connected.

“I’ve tried everything to ease the pain, from curling over while sitting on an ergonomic chair, to buying but not using an orthopaedic pillow and even thinking about seeing a chiropractor, but none of it’s worked. My back clearly can’t be helped so I’ll have to suffer forever.”

Friend Jack Browne, said: “I’ve literally never seen Hannah sit in a remotely upright position. I can’t picture what she looks like with her chin up and her shoulders back, and I doubt she can anymore.”

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Parents wish they had moral authority to order teenager off phone

A TEENAGER’S parents would tell her to stop staring at her phone if doing so was not the height of hypocrisy.

Tom and Lindsey Booker are sick of daughter Ruby being glued to her iPhone at every waking moment, but are on their own phones too much to administer a justifiable bollocking.

Lindsey said: “Honestly, as soon as her alarm goes off she’s on sodding Instagram and bloody Tiktok. Which is different from me being on Twitter because I have to be for work.

“It’s like she’s not in the room. I looked up the other day after falling down a new-rug-for-the-study rabbit hole, and she’d been there for I don’t know how long. The only light in the room was coming from her phone. And mine.

“I should have a proper talk to her about screen addiction, but whenever I Google the symptoms I worry I’ve got them too then do a quick online quiz to cheer myself up. Before long an hour’s flown by so my stern lecture would only make me look like a wanker.

“What Tom and I need to do is to spend a couple of days detoxing from our phones so we’ve got the required moral standing to tell Ruby to get off hers. But that would require two days without endless scrolling content. F**k that.”

Ruby Booker said: “Are they on their phones a lot? I don’t really notice them.”