Woman's self-care is bitching about others

A WOMAN’S method of centering and looking after her mental wellbeing is laying into her friends and family, she has confirmed.

Lauren Hewitt shuns yoga and scented candles in favour of being viciously judgmental of the lives of friends, acquaintances and celebrities by excoriating their personalities and life choices.

She explained: “After a stressful day, nothing soothes my soul like calling a mate up and slating a mutual friend for being a narcissistic sociopath who deserves to be fired and thrown out of their home.

“An hour ripping into a close pal who I’ve imagined has slighted me in some way leaves me more at peace than any shiatsu massage or cup of chamomile tea. It makes me feel complete.

“Slagging off others who dare to think they’re better than me has saved me hundreds in therapists’ fees. Bitching is good, healthy and hurts only those who aren’t me.

“I’m consistent and fair about it. Like perhaps the next day I’ll ring up Janine, who I hated yesterday, and gossip about how Jo is a total cow unworthy of our friendship. To spread the wealth around.”

She added: “The pleasure of bringing them both down a peg or two really boosts my overall wellbeing. My inner goddess is reborn as I lament to my mum over WhatsApp how fat my sister is these days.”

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Is your pay rise dangerously inflationary or are you earning more than £150,000 a year?

WOULD giving you a pay rise in line with inflation only fuel that inflation, or is it perfectly fine because you earn six figures? Find out: 

Who do you work for? 

A) I’m a former public sector employee now working for an outsourced private business which has frozen pay and is cutting all in-work benefits
B) I’m an employee of an international financial conglomerate. Well, my one-man corporation is and I pay myself a non-taxable dividend

What do you do? 

A) I’m a nurse in a care home, making sure that 90 residents with complex long-term medical needs remain healthy. But I’ve recently been told I could earn more at Tesco
B) I hedge international currency markets and lending rates, and am currently making Chinese investors a bloody killing on the pound

Are you struggling with inflation? 

A) Yes, the cost of shopping’s ridiculous, there’s a winter of huge energy bills ahead and the mortgage is going up
B) It’s a challenge for British businesses but a boon for continental importers, so I’ve recommended shorting the latter and going long on the former

How much do you earn? 

A) I’m on £32,500 a year, so I’m actually quite a high earner, but my husband can only work part-time because of the kids so the tax cut is not that much for us
B) I’m on £480k a year so I’m actually quite a low earner for my sector. If it wasn’t for my annual bonus I’d need to liquidate some of my property portfolio

Do you donate to the Conservative party? 

A) What? No. I did vote Boris in 2019 though.
B) Well you have to, don’t you.


Mostly As: Any pay rise in your sector would contribute to inflation by encouraging you to run out and spend money on fancy things like clothing and pleasant food. Your pay must remain low for your own good.

Mostly Bs: Pay rises in your sector are encouraged and subsidised because they drive growth for the entire country. Demand one today, hero.