Women demand to know when they will be sufficiently moisturised

WOMEN have demanded to know when their skin will be sufficiently moisturised so that they can finally relax.

Failing to constantly apply moisturiser – a problem which strangely does not affect men – could easily cause all females to become shrivelled, leathery husks like Egyptian mummies.

Nikki Hollis said: “When will it be over? I start the day with a cleansing balm followed by a hydrating cleanser, retinol – whatever the f**k that is – a hydrating serum and then actual moisturiser. 

“And that’s before we turn to my body, which is so slathered in creams to prevent a bout of fatal dry skin I can’t sit down naked on anything without immediately sliding off. 

“Lovemaking is almost impossible unless my boyfriend fixes me in place with duct tape and I didn’t enjoy that much last time. I can’t even grab a coffee for fear it’ll shoot out of my hand.

“Please let this nightmare be over. I’m having to get passersby to apply cream on hard-to-reach places like my lower back. I’m lucky not to have been put on the sex offenders list.”

Hollis is currently booked into a spa at the weekend where people will put even more moisturising oils on her body, a special treat which she says “fills her with fear and dread”.

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Are your sexual preferences shamefully unwoke?

YOU may be happy with your love life, but have you considered whether it’s sufficiently woke? Read our checklist for areas of your sexuality you need to improve on.

Are you gender-fluid enough?

If you’re heterosexual, be more sexually progressive by shagging people who are gay, bi, queergender, straight-acting, pansexual, transgender, demi and intersex. Not all at once, obviously. That would be a logistical nightmare to organise and they’ll probably expect drinks and nibbles.

Reduce your carbon sex footprint

Are you accustomed to having sex naked with the heating on? Instead wrap up warm for intercourse and stop unnecessarily burning fossil fuels. This needn’t be unerotic – take your lead from Ann Summers and make your own sexy ‘peephole’ North Face jacket, or crotchless corduroy trousers.

Are you prejudiced toward certain sexualities?

You might consider yourself a liberal, non-judgmental Guardian-reading type, but are you prejudiced against niche sexualities like furries? Make the effort to get to know some and you’ll realise they’re just normal people you’d go down the pub with anytime, although preferably not dressed as a massive cartoon wolf with their cock out.

Refrain from sex in the back of a car

This makes you directly responsible for air pollution and children getting asthma. If you must do it, at least car-share. For example, coordinate car-based trysts with giving your parents a lift to the old folks’ film night. Simply stop halfway, swap seats and have sex in the back with your partner before dropping the crumblies off for Mamma Mia.

Stop the sexual exploitation of your partner

Do you expect to have sex with partner because you cooked a romantic meal? Ready meals for two are pretty cheap, so this is sexual exploitation, pure and simple. Instead visit a sex worker who will at least be paid the going rate. Your partner will respect your ethical choice.

Are your sexual fantasies subconsciously racist?

If you’re given to imagining fantasy partners during sex, they may not meet modern diversity standards. We’re not saying don’t visualise Margot Robbie, just think about Zoe Saldana sometimes, which isn’t difficult. Obviously if you’re a heterosexual male this is just a starting point, and you should ideally also be fantasising about Idris Elba, Peter Dinklage, and, to show your solidarity with the ‘strawberry blonde’ community, Ed Sheeran.

Explore helicopter sex

Daily Mail and Telegraph readers never get bored of the old joke ‘I identify as a helicopter’, so have sex with a helicopter. It’ll be worth chafing your genitals on a Sikorsky S-76 just to annoy the smug reactionary bastards. Be sure to practise safe sex though, ie. remember to duck when the blades are going round.