Saturday, 5th December 2020

Yorkshire and Lancashire having pointless Tier 3 rivalry

PEOPLE from Yorkshire and Lancashire are demanding their Covid restrictions are tougher than those in their rival county.

The two counties want to outdo each other in the latest lockdown, after years of competition in rugby, football and the 15th century War of the Roses that is totally irrelevant to the modern world.

West Yorkshire resident Roy Hobbs said: “So we’re going into Tier 3? Good. That’ll show those red rose ponces our Covid’s as good as theirs. In fact we’ve probably got more of it. I hope so.

“I’d like us to be in Tier 4 or 5, while they’re stuck in Tier 3. We could be forced to wear a gas mask 24 hours a day, or live in hermetically sealed concrete bunkers eating cold emergency rations under a flickering striplight. 

“Sadly that might not happen, so for now I’d like to see troops on the streets summarily executing anyone without a mask. The Yorkshire Regiment, not the Lancs, obviously.” 

Lancashire resident Martin Bishop said: “If Yorkshire’s in Tier 3 I’d like us to be way ahead in Tier 8, although I’m not sure what that would be. Maybe you’re locked inside a metal box with a bottle of water and some crisps.

“Our whole street’s been coughing on each other to get our tier higher. Hopefully they’ll put up roadblocks like in a virus disaster movie. We’ll beat the white rose scum.”