16 tweets Trump would have sent this weekend if he could

DONALD Trump’s Twitter account was deleted this weekend, which he considers the worst outrage of the last seven days. Here’s what he would have tweeted if he could: 


I told the Protestors that they were Special and I Loved them, something I have never even said to my own four children, and the FAKE NEWS media make this out as a bad thing. Sad!

American VOTERS who did not take part in the protests should be Ashamed. Our great Courts, including the Supreme Court who owe me, will deal with them. MINIMUM TEN YEARS IN PRISON


I won the Election in a landslide! Specifically I took California, New York, Washington DC, Puerto Rico, and all swing states. 80 million votes discovered in drawer in Pelosi’s office by @BasedMAGA1776 on Wednesday. Subsequently lost again.


So many fine people have told me that this Nation must be set aflame if the right decisions are not made in Congress. Stand Back & Stand By! Armageddon!

The weekend daytime lineup on Fox News is terrible! Lifeless and no support for Trump. 1pm-3pm need a shake-up of format & presenters with a stock market puppet character. Listen to your President!


Likewise the weekend Radio 1 presenters are a poor line-up. Jordan North may have won The Jungle but what happened to Maya Jama, who brought a breezy lite feel to mornings? And what about Vernon Kay? He Needs the work!

Everyone who broke into the Capitol will be given a full Trump lifetime pardon, also covering next week’s inauguration which Patriots should attend. Antifa, who led the law-breaking charge, will be charged with Sedition and shot at dawn!



Republicans gather in New York at One Trade Centre at 2pm tomorrow to protest that Vogue has not given my beautiful wife Melania, or even more beautiful daughter Ivanka, the Cover. Bring flex-cuffs!

The Pandemic is over. All State lockdowns in the United States, this beautiful country of ours, and I have been the greatest president, will end tomorrow and we are all free as we should Be. I thank you for my re-election.


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Plumber sick of everyone coming to him with bloody plumbing problems

A PLUMBER who works seven days a week to keep up with demand wishes people would stop pestering him with jobs they want doing.

Tom Logan, who hasn’t had a holiday in six years, is fed up of being called out by grown men to carry out tasks they could do themselves with two twists of a spanner if they were not such needy, clueless idiots.

Logan said: “Granted, the money’s great but it’s just piling up unspent because five minutes can’t pass without someone on the blower whining about how their toilet’s bust and could I come out straight away?

“The geezer in question said his toilet wasn’t flushing. Turns out he wasn’t pushing hard enough on the button. And he’s a body builder. Cost him £100.

“I’ve been thinking of downgrading my rating from five stars to two with fake reviews just for some peace. I never see the wife and kids because I don’t have a wife and kids. Never had time.

“I’m thinking of retraining as an avant-garde poet. No bloody 24-hour call out for them, I’ll f**king bet.”