Afghanistan 'just bloody ungrateful'

THE UK has agreed that Afghanistan’s ingratitude for the last 20 years of military occupation is frankly quite hurtful. 

As the Taliban retake the country as if the last two decades never happened, Britons are disappointed at receiving little or no praise for invading and installing an unpopular new government. 

Lieutenant colonel Norman Steele said: “Honestly, it makes me wish we hadn’t even bothered. 

“When we first came in 2001, I remember a Russian general told me ‘Don’t waste your time mate. We were in nine years and never got a word of thanks.’ But I didn’t listen. I thought ‘It’ll be different with us.’ 

“And I knew there were always going to be a few griping malcontents who didn’t want us there, planting IEDs and so on, but I honestly believed that this time we’d created a thriving Western liberal democracy.” 

Jordan Gardner of Whitstable said: “First 1838-42, then 1878-80, now this. I’m beginning to think the ingrate Afghans don’t want us there. 

“If someone invaded my country, overthrew its leaders, set up a new regime aligned to its interests and drone-bombed my wedding I like to think I’d be polite enough to say ‘thank you’.”

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30-year-old loses last, tenuous grasp of youth culture

AN adult man who thought he was still down with the kids has finally lost the remaining, insubstantial grasp he had on youth culture.

Ageing millennial Tom Booker thought he had a few years left until he became out-of-touch, but was forced to re-evaluate after being shown clips of a teenage lip syncer with billions of views on TikTok.

Booker said: “It was an inane video of some kid mouthing along to a song I didn’t know by a rapper I’ve never heard of. I reckon it aged me by about 20 years in the space of six seconds.

“When I asked someone in the comments to explain to me why it was so popular around 50 people called me a boomer, then I was bombarded with a flurry of emojis that didn’t make any sense.

“Is this how it begins, the gradual slide into obsolescence? I know who Billie Eilish is, doesn’t that count for anything?

“I thought I had a decade until I was made to feel middle aged, but I might as well call it quits now and form some centrist political opinions. Why delay the inevitable? I’m on the scrapheap so I might as well embrace it.

“I’m not bitter, I just can’t wait for the next wave of kids to come along and make Gen Z feel old and irrelevant. That’s assuming the planet doesn’t explode by then, which it definitely will.”