17 activities that will genuinely prepare you for having a baby

YOU may be tempted to sleep, watch films, or have sex while enjoying your last baby-free weeks. Don’t. Instead, ease yourself into a life of tiredness and stress by doing these things.  

1. Set your alarm to go off every hour between 8pm and 8am. On hearing the alarm get up and wander around the house carrying a big watermelon. 

2. Shush and sing to the watermelon in the dark until you are about to pass out. Repeat this every night.

3. Continue to carry the watermelon around the house during the day. It is vital that you NEVER put it down. You must eat, drink and even go to the toilet with the watermelon.

4. Do not sit down.

5, All food and drink must be consumed cold and using only one hand.

6. Going to the toilet alone is so pre-babies. From now on, take the watermelon with you and a huge balloon. Once on the toilet, let the balloon go to ensure you are trapped in a small room with something that is squealing incessantly.

7. Spray the sofa and your bed with fresh urine, vomit and milk to get your senses accustomed to these cute baby smells.

8. Tie one arm behind your back and learn to perform all tasks with one hand.

9. Empty your sock drawer, throw half of them out and scatter the remaining few all over the house.

10. Gather everything you own that is nice and/or valuable. Take a hammer and smash them all to bits.

11. Dip your hands in honey and/or snot. Smear across your TV screen and patio doors.

12. Stop showering. Or if you really must make sure you take that watermelon and balloon in with you.

13. Buy a second washing machine because once you have babies you will be doing laundry every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

14. Cover your entire house in baby wipes.

15. Give up sleep. Sleeping is cheating.

16. Stop answering the phone or replying to text messages.

17. Never arrive anywhere on time.

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The five freaks who are voluntarily back in the office

ONLY 20 per cent of workers have returned to the office since rules have relaxed. Which types of office oddball chose to go back?

The arse-licking try-hard freak

Despite their best efforts, these people found being a sycophantic toadying bellend around the boss harder on Zoom than they do in real life. They were the first person back in the office, desperate to impress their superiors by catching and spreading Covid.

The shit-stirring gossip freak

This person lives for a good session of dripping poisonous gossip into their colleagues’ ears whilst making a cup of tea, which is a tricky scenario to recreate in Microsoft Teams. They are already back in the office, hoovering up any potential scandals and politics, which are severely limited because the only other person there is the caretaker.

The being-a-boss-is-my-entire-identity freak

This type of freak is usually a bombastic bully who thinks being one person’s line manager makes them more powerful than God. Their ego was crushed by working from home and not being able to micromanage every second of their subordinate’s life, and they can’t wait to be an overbearing twat once again.

The enjoys-office-culture freak

Bizarrely, some people enjoy getting up in the morning and leaving their pleasant, comfortable home to sit in a room full of other workers quietly hating their lives. These are the type of lunatic who set up office fantasy football leagues, enjoy team building days and will have already started organising this year’s dismal work Christmas party.

The got-four-kids-at-home freak

It’s the having four kids rather than wanting to escape from them that makes this person strange, so it’s understandable that, after 18 months of trying to work from an ironing board in the garage, they are glad to be returning to the peaceful oasis of a bland, corporate office.