YOU may be tempted to sleep, watch films, or have sex while enjoying your last baby-free weeks. Don’t. Instead, ease yourself into a life of tiredness and stress by doing these things.
1. Set your alarm to go off every hour between 8pm and 8am. On hearing the alarm get up and wander around the house carrying a big watermelon.
2. Shush and sing to the watermelon in the dark until you are about to pass out. Repeat this every night.
3. Continue to carry the watermelon around the house during the day. It is vital that you NEVER put it down. You must eat, drink and even go to the toilet with the watermelon.
4. Do not sit down.
5, All food and drink must be consumed cold and using only one hand.
6. Going to the toilet alone is so pre-babies. From now on, take the watermelon with you and a huge balloon. Once on the toilet, let the balloon go to ensure you are trapped in a small room with something that is squealing incessantly.
7. Spray the sofa and your bed with fresh urine, vomit and milk to get your senses accustomed to these cute baby smells.
8. Tie one arm behind your back and learn to perform all tasks with one hand.
9. Empty your sock drawer, throw half of them out and scatter the remaining few all over the house.
10. Gather everything you own that is nice and/or valuable. Take a hammer and smash them all to bits.
11. Dip your hands in honey and/or snot. Smear across your TV screen and patio doors.
12. Stop showering. Or if you really must make sure you take that watermelon and balloon in with you.
13. Buy a second washing machine because once you have babies you will be doing laundry every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
14. Cover your entire house in baby wipes.
15. Give up sleep. Sleeping is cheating.
16. Stop answering the phone or replying to text messages.
17. Never arrive anywhere on time.