America to ban abortion but give two-year-olds guns

THE US is to ban abortion but, as a compromise, allow all two-year-olds to carry firearms.

A leaked judgement from the Supreme Court overturns Roe vs Wade, but extends Second Amendment rights to any child over 24 months to redress the balance.

Republican senator Thomas J Booker III said: “A foetus is a child in God’s sight. Abortion is nothing more than legalised murder. This Democrat genocide must end.

“However, I do recognise this will mean an explosion in unwanted pregnancies and, consequently, too many children without value burdening the nation. They’re essentially stealth immigrants from wombs.

“We’ll deal with them the American way: with bullets. From now on all toddlers will have the right to bear arms, from the humble .22 pistol to 30-round assault rifles. And they will be encouraged to use them.

“The ensuing playpark disputes, middle-school bullying and rivalries between lunchroom social cliques will give us a slimmed-down, fighting-fit generation of Americans ready to take on the world. Hell yeah.”

Briton Nikki Hollis said: “Is it me, or is the world encouraged to look for moral leadership from a bunch of total f**king mentals?”

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Six great things to do in the bathroom to really annoy your partner

AN ordinary bathroom is surprisingly full of opportunities to leave your partner seething with rage. Try these, out of shocking laziness or just for the hell of it.

Wee on the floor 

Leaving a pool of urine in front of the toilet bowl – no matter how many times you’re told not to – is deliciously naughty. Ideally you should do it last thing in the evening; if your partner gets up in the night they’ll walk straight into your carefully laid trap of cold piss that gets right between their toes. 

Never replace the toilet roll

Mostly your partner won’t notice the empty cardboard roll until it’s too late. Store bog rolls outside the bathroom so that they have to awkwardly scuttle to wherever you keep it, desperately trying not to let their clothing touch their befouled anus. Hilarious. Film it and put it on Facebook if you really want to annoy them.

Hairs in the bath

Either never clean the bath or do such a half-arsed job it always contains plenty of strangely revolting hairs. Try and get a good head hair/pubes mix, and dead skin is a bonus. Time it so your partner is looking forward to a nice soak after a long day, then has the hassle of cleaning the tub first – and can’t enjoy their bath because it still feels tainted with your filth.

Turd ambush

Can’t be arsed to check that turds and other detritus are all safely on their way to the sewage farm after flushing? Don’t bother – your time is far too precious. Going to the toilet gets repetitive, so your partner should be glad of the exciting surprise of a floater cockily staring back at them after cheating its fate.

Waste their good-quality toiletries 

Works best with women, but men fond of expensive toiletries can be victims too. Be sure to genuinely waste them – don’t use their conditioner to make your hair look good, use it to clean your bum crack. And that £30 bottle of Wella professional-quality shampoo might work as bubble bath. 

Appear to have moved in there

Spend an infuriating amount of time in the bathroom. If your partner wails that they need to leave for work or are ‘really desperate’, keep saying ‘just one minute’. Obviously you’re doing something of earth-shattering importance, such as squeezing a blackhead or unenthusiastically trying to finish a chapter of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers.