Assange to be tempted from embassy with trail of secrets

POLICE are attempting to lure Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian embassy using a ‘trail of secrets’ which the Wikileaks founder should find irresistible.

The operation began at five o’clock this morning, as police outside the embassy played The Beatles’ Do You Want To Know a Secret at high volume. Within seconds Mr Assange appeared at a first floor window, nodding enthusiastically.

Police then used fishing rods to dangle dossiers outside the embassy’s front door.  The first, marked ‘Who Really Killed JFK’ was ignored, but a second, entitled ‘Doctor Who Spoilers’, proved more tempting.

A man, believed to be Mr Assange, shouted through the letterbox: “Just tell me something about the daleks.”

A policeman replied, ‘come out here and I’ll tell you’, but the door remained shut.

Shortly after eight o’clock the police sent in a graffiti artist to paint a stencilled mural of Mr Assange on the building opposite.  The man signed the wall ’Banksy’ before shouting: “Oh no, I forgot my balaclava.  If anyone comes out of that embassy they’ll discover my secret identity.”

But the Wikileaks tycoon dismissed the ploy before claiming that he was Banksy and had been for years.

Last week Assange attempted to sneak out of the embassy in a very big laundry basket but his plans were ruined when he published them on the Wikileaks website.

Meanwhile, an undercover officer dressed as Colonel Sanders will approach the embassy, promising to reveal KFC’s secret blend of herbs and spices to anyone with white hair.

 

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Football season credited with feel-bad factor

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain’s sense of worthlessness and pessimism.

Football chiefs have promised the legacy of the season will be a fug of cynical self-loathing that could last well beyond the FA Cup Final in May.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Olympics can offer us a brief period of warmth, based largely on the boxing lady being quite nice, but football plays the essential role of making us hate rich, arrogant pricks.

“It has much more profound lessons than the Olympics’ charming but naive message that hard work and honesty are rewarded, which they are clearly not.

“Football helps us reach the deeper truth that life can be arbitrary and consistently unfair and that Alan Shearer can be paid a six-figure sum for commenting on a sport he seems to have no recollection of having played.”

The National Happiness Index, which measures how close Britain is to a two-course meal of gin and paracetamol, hit a 20-year high at midday on Saturday.

But despite the very yellow weather the index had plummeted to a record low by 2pm on Sunday as everyone remembered that Frank Lampard still exists.

Meanwhile, the final Match of the Day next spring will be a 90-minute montage of natural disasters, weeping children and Alex Ferguson’s purple ‘face’ set to a slowed-down version of Radiohead’s Exit Music For A Film.